Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Mr Bumbles & Ms Alaska Keep Us Laughing

And you thought it was Republican Comedy Week last week? Turns out John McCain's visit to David Letterman and Sarah Palin's stop by Saturday Night Live were just warm up acts. Now he Dems are laughing. The GOP? Not so much.

First there was Sen. John McCain, the man accused of supporting Bush's policies 90% of the time. Turns out, he's also following in W's foot-in-mouth steps in another critical area. "Bushisms," meet "McCainisms." The latest example was a dilly as he tried to attack his opponent. Said McCain:

"You know, I think you may have noticed that Senator Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately," McCain told an audience in a town called Moon, in Western Pennsylvania, eliciting boos and catcalls. "And you know, I couldn't agree with them more," he aded, eliciting blank stares and pangs of regret. (Clip on Youtube)

The man who can't tell a Sunni from a Shia was joined in the Kavalcade of Komedy by Bozo the Beauty Queen, his running mate.

Gov. Sarah Palin is the vice presidential nominee of the party which once criticized then democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards for getting $400 haircuts. Sarah Palin is the vice presidential nominee of the party that has accused Sen. Barack Obama of being an “Elitist.”

We may not know what it costs to put lipstick on a pig, but we now know what it costs to dress up and make up a vice presidential candidate--$150,000. Of that, about $4,000 was just for her hair.

In fairness, it should be noted not all of the 150 Large went to Palin herself. Some helped beautify her hubby, Mr. Sarah Palin, and her infant son. Hey, you can't expect the kid to campaign in non-designer Diapers, can you? Well, as McCain might say when asked about diapers, “Depends.”

Whether you find this financial outlay funny or tragic probably depends on your sense of humor during the greatest economic crisis since the Depression. But even the financially devastated might find McCain spokesman Tracey Schmitt's explanation of the expense funny in an absurdist sort of way.

"It was always the intent that the clothing go to a charitable purpose after the campaign."

Of course. Lord knows there are oodles of poor people in dire need of Saks Fifth Avenue campaign clothes or a stunning cocktail dress perfect for milady's GOP fundraiser.

Quite the week for Ms. Palin. On Monday, she answered a third grader's written question on live TV by claiming the vice president of the United States "is in charge of the Senate." Personally, I cut her some slack. The woman is busy gazing toward Russia watching for Putin's enormo-head to pop up in our Airspace. She can't be expected to know a lil' document called the Constitution notes: "The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no vote, unless they be equally divided."

Palin's SNL appearance was scripted, of course, made up by talented writers. But this stuff, this week? You can't make up stuff like that.

And that's funny.

Monday, October 20, 2008

This I Know: 20 October 2008

I feel guilty laughing at the comedic ageism directed at John McCain. Not enough to vote for the old geezer, but guilty nonetheless.

Every time an anchor at the end of a local newscast says “we know you have many choices for news, we thank you for choosing ours,” I want to shout, “No, we don’t. All local news is run for profit using the same consultants and is exactly the same!” But I don’t because it might scare the neighbors who already think I’m weird.

I know advertising “geniuses” have decided that animated spokes-animals in commercials should speak with a foreign accent. I do not believe Geckos can talk, but I believe if they could talk they would not have British accents. I think the only Geckos in Britain are kept in cages, just like the Royal Family.

Geico has two commercial themes. The other is “The Cavemen.” If you bought your insurance because you were convinced to do so by a Gecko with a British accent or a Caveman, you are a moron.

I know those “talking” computers you get on the phone when you seek service from a company make life miserable for the humans you eventually reach. That’s because people are usually livid at being forced to talk to idiotic technology for ten minutes before they get a human. So, “Kathy” at DirectTV? Sorry.

Twenty-nine years ago, on October 22, Andrew S. Corcoran entered the world, and made it a better place by his presence.

Levi Stubbs had one of the best voices in rock and roll history. So did Tony Williams. But you probably don’t know who they were because they were the lead singers of groups, and not solo stars. I know Williams led The Platters and Stubbs was lead singer for the Four Tops. Stubbs was also the singing voice of Audrey, the plant from outer space in “Little Shop of Horrors.”

I know plants can’t sing, either. At least Audrey didn’t try to sing with a British accent. If they remake the movie again, I recommend that instead of human blood, Seymour feeds Audrey The Cavemen and the talking Gecko.

I know a local source for uncut Atomic Fire Balls—the only hot (spicy) food I like. I had my first one in eighth grade. A Boston hoodlum at my school handed me one and demanded I try it. “Take it out of your mouth and you have to pay me for it.” I didn’t have a penny on me, so I didn’t and I’ve loved them ever since.

If I were young and gas was plentiful and there wasn’t Global Climate Change, I’d own me one of them Toyota’s FJ Cruiser SUV deals, just because it looks so damn cool.

If I were young and gas wasn’t running out and there wasn’t Global Climate Change, I might fetch me one of them Mini-Cooper convertibles because it looks so damn cool. (And gets very good mileage.

Ah hell, if I were young I’d have to work for a living and wouldn’t have time for silly musings on a blog nobody reads. But I’d be rollin’ to work in a damn cool ride….

Monday, October 13, 2008

This I Know: 13 October 2008

Clint Eastwood is ruining it for all of us old farts. He’s 120 years old and may be the best film director working today. How did he get that gifted? Working with orangutans or sneering, “Go ahead, make my day”?

How’s that Bush tax rebate working out? Have you spent yours yet?

The LA Times, to save money now home delivers its paper in water-soluble plastic wrappers. Since Californians all water their lawns in the morning, it means the paper usually gets wet. So, the “savings” is training more and more people to get their news on the Internet and is about to cut more staff,

Consumer Reports says “Cheerios” is the best cold cereal you can get. I have Cheerios every morning, and sometimes for dinner. Have for years. As much as I hate being associated with something so wildly successful and popular, I will continue to do so.

My wife has discovered how to use the FM radio portion of our matching cell phones. I still don’t know how to retrieve the voicemail on mine.

On this day, 33 years ago, John H. Corcoran III came into this world, which is a much better place for that event. Unfortunately, that fact makes his father, John H. Corcoran, Jr., freaking ancient.

I have never seen Tina Fey and Sarah Palin in the same room together, nor do I expect to. I think there is a better chance that they are the same person than we faked the Moon landing, Oswald acted alone, or Sean Hannity is not the Anti-Christ.

The Universe is expanding at an accelerating rate. What up with that? Theories for this physics defying process are “dark matter,” “hyperatomic subdistortional phasing,” and a Cosmic joke by God just to mess with Atheists.

Did I dream it, or did the Dems, shoo-ins to win the Presidency, risk it all by nominating a black guy?

I don’t understand why people’s heads get wider as they age. Okay, that’s technically something I don’t know, but it’s my column, hence my rules.

The funniest sketch comedy actress working today is Kristen Wiig.

I would like to know what Bobby Mitchell, former Redskin wide receiver and executive thinks of the movie “The Express.” The film is about Ernie Davis, who was slated to become the first African-American player ever on the team. The Redskins traded their rights to Davis for Mitchell, who became a star, and later, a Redskins executive. Davis, tragically, never played in the pros and soon after died of Leukemia.

Monday, October 6, 2008

This I Know: 6 October 2008

*California grows terrific pot. Instead of prosecuting growers, let’s start exporting our best weed to Afghanistan; see how the Taliban likes that. If we could mellow out our enemies instead of killing them, we’d not only win the war quicker, but turn a profit doing so.

*People once dismissed as idiots are now featured as “fans”. There are three basic types: Fools who dye their hair, face and sometimes bodies team colors; morons who grab their shirt above the nipples and lift it toward the camera to show which team they favor, and bozos who scream “We’re Number One” when clearly they most resemble Number Two.

*Mike Tyson’s first words after the “ear-biting” fight with Evander Holyfield were, “tastes a little bit like chicken.”

*The three people I’d most like to have dinner with? Jesus, Robert Benchley and “Two Ton” Tony Galento. Benchley for his humor, Galento because he was a boxer who trained for his Joe Lewis fight on “beer, spaghetti and hamburgers,” and Jesus to assure lots of good wine at dinner.

*There are few true mysteries as fascinating as Aviation True Mysteries. Steve Fossett is just the latest example in a field that includes the still missing Glen Miller, Amelia Earhart, and Congressman Hale Boggs.

*Ooops. Samo-samo for missing submarine mysteries. Hail and farewell to the brave crew of the USS Grunion, sunk during WWII and just found off the Aleutian Islands. The Navy refuses to confirm or deny rumors it was on station staring at Rooskie President Putin all these years.

*Barry Sonnenfeld should be a guest on national TV at least once a week. He serves two purposes. One, he’s enormously entertaining. Two, no matter how neurotic you are, you are immediately reassured someone is more neurotic than you are.

*If McCain’s' poll numbers continue spiraling downward, his (late) October surprise might be a previously undiagnosed "female" problem for poor Sarah, who will be reluctantly forced to resign for health reasons, and replaced with economic "expert" Mitt Romney...

*I like every famous Lesbian I’ve ever interviewed. This includes Rosie O’Donnell, who has a photographic memory and always asked about my kid by name, Ellen DeGeneris who was confident enough to laugh at my jokes, too. And of course, George Clooney.

*Steve Allen was right when he said the quality of entertainment started going to hell when people began to “wooooooo” instead of laughing, cheering or applauding.

*Israel wants to buy the new, (mostly) American made F-35 fighter/bombers. We can’t make cars, our electronics are second rate and our politics questionable, but when it comes to building the best airborne killing systems, nobody tops us.

*Nothing makes me laugh out loud more than Bloopers. Not to say they’re the funniest thing in the world, but self-generated assaults on smugness and dignity have a special place in my heart.

*I’m not big at quotes. There is one, however, I use a lot and always remember. Lily Tomlin’s line, “I like to think of myself as cynical, but these days, it’s so hard to keep up.”

*Just thought of another one. It was credited to Daniel Patrick Moynihan, but he may have been quoting someone who said it first: “You can’t be Irish without knowing that someday the world will break your heart.”

*If you are afraid of foxes a good place to hide out is in an atheist hole. No wait, it’s the other way around.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

This I Know: 1 October 2008

Mort Sahl

I don't believe under any circumstances, that the GOP deserves another turn in the White House. I also believe that humorist Mort Sahl's classic political joke, which he updates every four years, applies now, more than ever.

MORT SAHL’S JOKE: "Back when this country was starting out, we had men like Washington and Adams and Jefferson as President. Now, 230 years later, we end up with McCain versus Obama. Do you know what that means? It means Darwin was wrong!

Babies, when given the choice, will choose candy over Brussels Sprouts every time. So will sane adults. This explains the Mortgage Crisis

If he was white and named Barry O'Bama, he'd have a 30 point lead.

Paul Newman should be seriously considered for Sainthood. He raised as much for the poor, was a better racer, and a much better actor than Mother Theresa.

Bill Maher best described Libertarians when he called them Republicans who like pussy and dope.

I don't trust anyone on Wall Street, even the guy driving the sweeper.

Regulation isn't enough--Enforcement is the key. I know this because years ago my wife worked for the enforcement division of NASDAQ. She spent many a day tracking down and collecting evidence about insider trading abuses and other forms of corruption. Trouble was, nothing was ever done about it.

“The Mentalist,” besides being a humorless rip-off of USA Networks’ “Psych” really doesn’t have its act together. Is he a psychic? Just smart? Intuitive? A smartass?

Former favorites running low on fuel include “Boston Legal” and “Entourage.” Ricky Gervais and Larry David may be considered very smart for abandoning their shows before audiences did.

I think Nancy Pelosi was dumb as mud to go rub it in to the Republicans on the Floor before the vote. It was a thoughtless and petty thing to do, and knowing that the Republican leadership was equally thoughtless and petty, she should have predicted their vindictive reaction.

This nation has never been so divided since the Civil War. If Vietnam was a family squabble, this is the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s. Okay maybe the Pepsi/Coke cola wars were also more divisive.

The Media is a lost cause. The ONLY newscast worth watching every single night is “The Daily Show.”

I don't have to listen to the Presidential Debates, I already know who I'm voting against.

We may be past the tipping point in the Environment. Methane Gas will kill us--well not us, but the next generation.

If someone shaves Dick Cheney and Rupert Murdock's heads, post mortem, they will find a "666" carved in their skulls. If someone shaves their heads pre-mortem, he or she is my new hero.

While Hollywood continually remakes movies and TV shows that have no business being remade—Top Gun is the latest—no one ever remakes the most prescient episode of a TV series every filmed. That’s the Twilight Zone’s “The Monsters Are due on Maple Street.” Nailed it.

I'd say the odds of Bush stopping the election are roughly 50-50.

The Redskins--if by some miracle stay healthy--have a legitimate shot of making the Superbowl. That, however, is unlikely as they are very very thin at several key positions.

If I were a betting man, I'd bet Springsteen sings the following three numbers at the Superbowl: Born to Run, Born in the USA, and Glory Days. For his encore, I’m thinking Rosie Clooney’s Come onna My House or Bess You Is My Woman from Gershwin’s “Porgie and Bess.”

I’d also bet at least 500 people will wonder, "What's that Sopranos guy and Conan's drummer doing in Bruce’s band?"

If Sarah Palin made it to the Miss America finals, she would have been tripped up and eliminated when Bert Parks asked her "What do you think is the most important aspect of international diplomacy?" and replied, "Good sight lines into enemy territory."

There is a product you can order from an Infomercial, or buy at Bed Bath & Beyond, which you epoxy to the bottom of your feet at night. In the morning, the product claims to have sucked out all the bad stuff in your system. It costs only $19.95 for a lifetime supply and is aimed at people who think they are too smart to fall for that Nigerian Diplomat Scam.

With the single exception of Richard Nixon, who resigned before he was impeached, no one has finished his term as President with a better “worst President ever” finishing kick than George W. Bush.

Barack Obama should announce that Bill Clinton will head up a special task force, appointed the day of his inauguration, whose task it is to rebalance the budget again, and that if he does so, Bill’s reward is Obama will appoint Hillary Ambassador at Large, a gig that involves constant overseas travel.

Why would anyone waste any of the precious time we are given on Earth watching Warren Sapp dance?