Monday, October 6, 2008

This I Know: 6 October 2008

*California grows terrific pot. Instead of prosecuting growers, let’s start exporting our best weed to Afghanistan; see how the Taliban likes that. If we could mellow out our enemies instead of killing them, we’d not only win the war quicker, but turn a profit doing so.

*People once dismissed as idiots are now featured as “fans”. There are three basic types: Fools who dye their hair, face and sometimes bodies team colors; morons who grab their shirt above the nipples and lift it toward the camera to show which team they favor, and bozos who scream “We’re Number One” when clearly they most resemble Number Two.

*Mike Tyson’s first words after the “ear-biting” fight with Evander Holyfield were, “tastes a little bit like chicken.”

*The three people I’d most like to have dinner with? Jesus, Robert Benchley and “Two Ton” Tony Galento. Benchley for his humor, Galento because he was a boxer who trained for his Joe Lewis fight on “beer, spaghetti and hamburgers,” and Jesus to assure lots of good wine at dinner.

*There are few true mysteries as fascinating as Aviation True Mysteries. Steve Fossett is just the latest example in a field that includes the still missing Glen Miller, Amelia Earhart, and Congressman Hale Boggs.

*Ooops. Samo-samo for missing submarine mysteries. Hail and farewell to the brave crew of the USS Grunion, sunk during WWII and just found off the Aleutian Islands. The Navy refuses to confirm or deny rumors it was on station staring at Rooskie President Putin all these years.

*Barry Sonnenfeld should be a guest on national TV at least once a week. He serves two purposes. One, he’s enormously entertaining. Two, no matter how neurotic you are, you are immediately reassured someone is more neurotic than you are.

*If McCain’s' poll numbers continue spiraling downward, his (late) October surprise might be a previously undiagnosed "female" problem for poor Sarah, who will be reluctantly forced to resign for health reasons, and replaced with economic "expert" Mitt Romney...

*I like every famous Lesbian I’ve ever interviewed. This includes Rosie O’Donnell, who has a photographic memory and always asked about my kid by name, Ellen DeGeneris who was confident enough to laugh at my jokes, too. And of course, George Clooney.

*Steve Allen was right when he said the quality of entertainment started going to hell when people began to “wooooooo” instead of laughing, cheering or applauding.

*Israel wants to buy the new, (mostly) American made F-35 fighter/bombers. We can’t make cars, our electronics are second rate and our politics questionable, but when it comes to building the best airborne killing systems, nobody tops us.

*Nothing makes me laugh out loud more than Bloopers. Not to say they’re the funniest thing in the world, but self-generated assaults on smugness and dignity have a special place in my heart.

*I’m not big at quotes. There is one, however, I use a lot and always remember. Lily Tomlin’s line, “I like to think of myself as cynical, but these days, it’s so hard to keep up.”

*Just thought of another one. It was credited to Daniel Patrick Moynihan, but he may have been quoting someone who said it first: “You can’t be Irish without knowing that someday the world will break your heart.”

*If you are afraid of foxes a good place to hide out is in an atheist hole. No wait, it’s the other way around.

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