This I Know: 20 October 2008

I feel guilty laughing at the comedic ageism directed at John McCain. Not enough to vote for the old geezer, but guilty nonetheless.

Every time an anchor at the end of a local newscast says “we know you have many choices for news, we thank you for choosing ours,” I want to shout, “No, we don’t. All local news is run for profit using the same consultants and is exactly the same!” But I don’t because it might scare the neighbors who already think I’m weird.

I know advertising “geniuses” have decided that animated spokes-animals in commercials should speak with a foreign accent. I do not believe Geckos can talk, but I believe if they could talk they would not have British accents. I think the only Geckos in Britain are kept in cages, just like the Royal Family.

Geico has two commercial themes. The other is “The Cavemen.” If you bought your insurance because you were convinced to do so by a Gecko with a British accent or a Caveman, you are a moron.

I know those “talking” computers you get on the phone when you seek service from a company make life miserable for the humans you eventually reach. That’s because people are usually livid at being forced to talk to idiotic technology for ten minutes before they get a human. So, “Kathy” at DirectTV? Sorry.

Twenty-nine years ago, on October 22, Andrew S. Corcoran entered the world, and made it a better place by his presence.

Levi Stubbs had one of the best voices in rock and roll history. So did Tony Williams. But you probably don’t know who they were because they were the lead singers of groups, and not solo stars. I know Williams led The Platters and Stubbs was lead singer for the Four Tops. Stubbs was also the singing voice of Audrey, the plant from outer space in “Little Shop of Horrors.”

I know plants can’t sing, either. At least Audrey didn’t try to sing with a British accent. If they remake the movie again, I recommend that instead of human blood, Seymour feeds Audrey The Cavemen and the talking Gecko.

I know a local source for uncut Atomic Fire Balls—the only hot (spicy) food I like. I had my first one in eighth grade. A Boston hoodlum at my school handed me one and demanded I try it. “Take it out of your mouth and you have to pay me for it.” I didn’t have a penny on me, so I didn’t and I’ve loved them ever since.

If I were young and gas was plentiful and there wasn’t Global Climate Change, I’d own me one of them Toyota’s FJ Cruiser SUV deals, just because it looks so damn cool.

If I were young and gas wasn’t running out and there wasn’t Global Climate Change, I might fetch me one of them Mini-Cooper convertibles because it looks so damn cool. (And gets very good mileage.

Ah hell, if I were young I’d have to work for a living and wouldn’t have time for silly musings on a blog nobody reads. But I’d be rollin’ to work in a damn cool ride….