PESKY OPEN LETTER: What the Hell's Wrong with MSNBC?

To paraphrase the late humorist Fred Allen, you could put all I know about the Economy in a flea’s navel and still have room left over for three caraway seeds and an agent’s heart.

So I was watching Senator Obama’s speech on the Economy today with a combination of bewilderment and fascination. While what I heard made sense, I suspect what will linger long after speech was the memorable catch phrase he uttered about Sen. McCain, who he said was running for George Bush’s third term as President. As the economic mess and Mesopotamia mess vie to see who’s going to Hell faster, Obama’s effort to associate Granpa with the people responsible for both disasters makes sense.

Before his speech had even ended, McCain had issued a statement accusing Obama of the crime of Liberalism, and MSNBC, which was carrying the speech live, cut away. Why? To get back to what they do best—turn presidential politics into a Hybrid circus--half Dancing with the Stars, half Maury! (Seems they had some more dirt on Reverend Wright that just could not wait.)

What in the high holy Hell is wrong with you MSNBC? Aside from your one bright shining star—Keith Olbermann—the rest of your programming is bad and getting worse.

Dumping the Tuckster was a good idea, but replacing him with Journalist turned Karl Rove Backup dancer David Gregory? I don’t watch the new show much because every time I tune in I see tiny boxes filled with talking heads, one of whom is always Pat Buchanon. And Pat Buchanon makes my dog yak up her Alpo.

And the one thing the 24/7s don’t need are more hours devoted just to politics. (And almost exclusively presidential politics, at that. Had MSNBC dumped out of Obama for updates on the latest post Surge resurgence of violence in Iraq, I could understand. But MSNBC is so far behind the power curve in Iraq, I had to tune over to Fox News—FOX!—to get a live update from that beleaguered nation. They had some Scotsman named MacDonald reporting live. Yes, American TV is now outsourcing it’s war coverage.

Meanwhile, two Americans have been killed by recent shelling in Baghdad’s Green Zone. (as of 3 PM PDT) The U.S. Military blames Iranian-backed Shiite Militiamen. George Bush blames Congress. John McCain blames Mongol Insurgents, trained by al Qaeda in Philadelphia. The Mainstream media has bought the Administration line of hooey that the Surge has worked so it may take them a while to realize it hasn’t.

The Dems Are Back! (Sexwisedly-speaking)

Congratulations to the Democratic Party, which, after a decade-long period spent watching GOP sexual trailblazing, has just roared back to the top of the squirming, moaning, heavy-breathing, political sex-scandal slag heap Monday behind comeback kid, Eliot Spitzer.

The last time the Dems had a firm handle on sexual shenanigan leadership was when Monica Lewinski had a firm handle on Bill Clinton. Since then, it’s been all GOP all the time, spearheaded by the arrayed manhoods of Sens. Larry “Wide Stance” Craig, David “D.C. Madam” Vitter and Cong. Mark “Page from My Book” Foley.

Politician scandals have been supplemented by the woes of Right Wing pundits like Bill “Grab My Faloofah” O’Reilly, as well as those of Conservative Evangelical Preachers. The Dems have had no answer for the likes of Rev. Ted Haggard, who told his National Evangelical Assoc. to get flocked when he admitted he was “guilty of sexual immorality.”

Or Archbishop Earl Paulk, 80 years young, head of Georgia’s Cathedral of the Holy Spirit, who apparently was the real Daddy his brother’s kid. Obviously Lazarus was not the only dead thing that rose again.

The website "recovering Liberal.com" has a list of 55 or more alleged Tighty-Righty sexual offenders in its "GOP Pervert Hall of Shame," accuracy of which I cannot confirm.

In other news Monday, the Pope has just identified seven new “social" sins. The announcement was buried in coverage of the Spitzergate Scandal, but three of the newcomers—“polluting the environment,” "excessive wealth,” and “creating poverty”---drew the attention of the White House. Late Monday, President Bush announced he would veto all three sins.

Hussein Name Game

I got a call from my Uncle Morty yesterday. (Morty wants you to know that's NOT his real name, and that he's imaginary.)

“Have any of you Media geniuses realized the real reason why his opening act shouldn't have played the Hussein Name Game at the McCain rally?”

“You talking about Mr. Red Meat, the radio assclown who kept trying to associate Barrack Obama with a certain deceased dictator?” I asked.

“Yeah. Why should McCain have stopped the guy before he did that to an honorable opponent?”

“Because it was a dirty, underhanded, sleazy political trick,” I said.

“No, I'm serious,” Morty said.

“I give up, why?”

“Because of the radio guy's name,” Morty said.

“I don't get it.”

“See, McCain is a Capitol Hill politician and a war-hero former Navy pilot with a whiff of political scandal in his past. He's famous for spending time in involuntary confinement. And the guy who introduced him is named Cunningham,” Morty said.

“So what?”

“So, connect the dots. 'Capitol Hill. War-hero. Former Navy pilot. Political corruption. Incarceration. Cunningham.' Name associate and you get another war-hero former Navy pilot, known for political corruption and he's famous for spending time in involuntary confinement. HIS name is Cunningham, too. Duke Cunningham.”

“But Duke Cunningham's sins have nothing to do with John McCain.”

“And Saddam Hussein's sins have nothing to do with Barrack Obama.”

“Good point. Anything else?”

“Yeah. Why does Hillary think the Media wants Obama to defeat her?” Morty continued. “Doesn't she know they know she's a package deal with Bill? And doesn't she know they remember her husband and how covering him put a lot of Media kids through college?

"And what about the funny guys? Why on God's Earth would Dave, Jon, Keith, Conan, or Jay want a President Obama? A smart, scandal-free, anti-war President who speaks English is the last thing they need. Bill Clinton's chilliwacker and George Bush's tongue have been comedy gold for years. Obama would be comedy dross.”

Uncle Morty was dropped on his head once as a child, and several times again as an adult.

“A final question,” Morty continued. “Twenty debates and the last one got the highest rating ever. So will they renew the series?”

They'd love to. Morty makes a good point. If the all-news networks could, they'd want them to run indefinitely. Tim Russert and Wolf Blitzer have become the political Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul and “American Idol” has become the template for the candidate's debates. Seriously, laugh about it, shout about it--when you've got to choose, every way you look at this you lose.

“You're darn tootin', Mrs. Robinson,” Morty said and hung up.

I gotta put him on my Do Not Call list.