tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77970008240675981122024-03-05T00:46:36.971-08:00Pesky GadaboutJohn Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.comBlogger50125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-79222715608856638612014-03-25T15:43:00.000-07:002014-03-25T15:43:03.881-07:00Pesky Doesn't Write Here Anymore<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Yup, it's the same guy who used to write about TV News in ShopTalk ages ago.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times;">The same guy who saw his
collection of 75 essays from there come out in the hardcover book "A Few
Marbles Left" the day after 9/11. </span><span style="font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times;">And who did not feel sorry for
himself about that because a namesake "John Corcoran" died in one of
the airliners that went into the World Trade Center.</span><span style="font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times;">But Pesky Gadabout doesn't write
regularly about TV news anymore. </span><span style="font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times;">You can find the same writer on <a href="http://www.breakingsatire.blogspot.com/"><span style="color: #0007e8;">www.breakingsatire.blogspot.com</span></a>
(the primary blog), on <a href="http://www.cork360.blogspot.com/"><span style="color: #0007e8;">www.cork360.blogspot.com</span></a> (short humor) and,
sigh, updating his diet progress and helping you lose your fat assets on <a href="http://www.corkisfat.blogspot.com/"><span style="color: #0007e8;">www.corkisfat.blogspot.com</span></a> </span><span style="font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Also on the North American
Continent's most renowned publication <a href="http://www.sagenews.ca/Articles.asp"><span style="color: #0007e8;">THE SAGE</span></a> </span><span style="font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">So come visit. </span></span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-18256938845894731392013-02-03T09:30:00.001-08:002013-02-03T09:30:49.504-08:00AIRLINE TRAVEL DURING THE DARK AGES
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;">With increased air travel during
the holiday season, many are winging long distances for the first time since
last holiday season. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s awful,
but is it really worse? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I came
across a log I kept during one of my most memorable cross-country experiences.
This was before TSA Agents, before airlines stopped serving meals, and back
when airlines would lose your luggage without charging you a fee for an “Extra
Service.” Read and compare to modern day travel—if you dare.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">The YEAR 1997. The FLIGHT:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Los Angeles (LAX) to New York City (JFK)</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">4:30 AM:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Picked up at home by Phil's Speedy Discount Airport
Shuttle. Motto: "If we're more than fifteen minutes late, we wouldn't be
the least bit surprised."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">5:45:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Arrive Los
Angeles Airport. Curbside check-in offers high tech Computerized Tracking
System (CTS) which assures your luggage will arrive in Nepal twenty minutes <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">before</i> you land in New York.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">6:00: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Ticket counter uses new Random Queuing System (RQS). Queue
is a British term meaning "You're in the wrong line, stupid." I queue
up in "Odd Size" line, then am booted out when told "Odd
Size" refers to luggage, not body type.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">6:15:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Security check. Foreign passenger ahead of me is asked:
"Did person or persons unknown to you pack your luggage, pat your butt, or
recite lyrics to anything by Puff Daddy?"<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He responds: "My salad shooter has an embolism"
and is waved through.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">7:30</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Pre-boarding begins for pre-boards who need assistance,
assistants who need pre-boarding, first class, business class, no class,
private first class, menacing youth, passengers on the wrong plane, and those
who play dumb and pretend their row has been called.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 18.0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">8:15: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Pilot announces "the fine folks in maintenance have
informed me they have to re-calibrate and functionalize the leading edge
hydraulic spoiler actuation pressure stabilizer, and will get on it as soon as
Chief Mechanic Fat Mel finishes his donut."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">11:45:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Takeoff. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">11:47: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Emergency landing to remove Fat Mel from engine cowling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">12:15 PM:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Re-takeoff.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 18.0pt; tab-stops: 3.75in;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">12:45: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Breakfast. Choices are:
"Runny eggs with Sumpthin' Green in 'em" or "Fruit Loops 'n'
Curdled Milk."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">1:45:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pilot asks if
anyone has seen his keys to the liquor cabinet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 18.0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">2:00:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Edited for airline version of "Showgirls" begins.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">2:05: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Edited for airline version of "Showgirls" ends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">3:15:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Pilot says "Passengers on our right side can see
Columbus, Ohio. Passengers on our left side can see a hideous monster
dismantling the engine."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">4:45:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Surly flight attendants collect breakfast trays and play
Goose the Elderly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">5:00: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Inadvertently land at Teterboro, N.J., long term parking
lot. Pilot says he'll taxi aircraft to JFK. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">5:15: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Skippy the
co-pilot collects spare change for turnpike tolls.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 18.0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">5:30: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Detour to
Hackensack so Skippy can drop off laundry and tuck in the kids.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 18.0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">6:15:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Arrive at gate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">6:45: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Computerized Tracking System claims I don't have any
luggage, I never had luggage, I'll never have luggage again, and it's not that
fond of my tie.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 18.0pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">7:45:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Take cab driven by man whose name has seventeen consonants
and an umlaut. Ululates show tunes all the way to the hotel.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">11:45:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Luggage from previous trip delivered to room.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> # #
# <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><o:p> A Version of this appeared in the Los Angeles Times Op-Ed section in 1997</o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Copyright 1997, 2012<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-2948333090736576352013-01-01T14:09:00.001-08:002013-01-01T14:09:59.950-08:00Top Ten Crises Still Bugging Me as 2013 Begins
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
10. Baffled why there hasn’t been a Constitutional amendment outlawing either the word “flammable” or “inflammable.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
9. Stupefied how the Media can report the pregnancy of Kim
Khardashian without including the phrases “affront to civilization,”
“anti-Christ” or “no-talent publicity whore.”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7. Worrying will the new tenant in the spare bedroom, Fiscal
Cliff, ever pay his rent on time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
6. Curious how long my profound sense of relief will last that no one
is asking: “What will Romney do when he takes office?” .</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7. Realizing that I never have known how to pronounce and
probably never will never know how to pronounce the words “Synclavier”,
“onegin” and “yclept”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
5: Concerned my Thanksgiving day cold of 2012 will never
go away.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4. Continue asking myself why I post carefully
crafted, exhaustively shot, precisely edited works of video art on YouTube and
get 26 hits if I’m lucky, when I could entice a kitty with a ball of yarn and go
viral overnight.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3 Puzzled why people who believe intelligent life forms
occupy UFOs actually haven’t figured out why they haven’t contacted “intelligent”
life on earth. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2. Wracking my brain why anyone believes in or otherwise gives
a rat‘s ass about Zombies.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1. Rethinking my decision to turn down the gig as the new
Chief Administrative Officer for the Large Hadron Collider, and wondering if
women really care if their boyfriend has a small Hadron.</div>
<!--EndFragment-->John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-88752307716160554282012-12-07T13:56:00.000-08:002012-12-07T13:56:13.607-08:00Carpet Bombing for Fun and Profit
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times;">The great Carpet Brouhaha of 2012 is
over--pending my bride’s search later today for missing silverware and gewgaws.
As usual, I've apparently made a big deal out of nothing. Of course, making a
big deal out of nothing has provided me with a rather handsome living over the
years as well as helping me become moderately reviled. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;">It started as these things usually do
with long time couples—a misunderstanding. Who shall stay with the carpet cleaners and who shall wannder free as a bird? My
wife argued that since she had scheduled the carpet cleaning, it should be my
responsibility to be there when the carpet cleaners come and go. I argued the rug wasn’t that
dirty. I lost the argument, as I always do. She didn't even have to play the "your grandchild will be playing on that carpet in two weeks" card.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;">Long Story short? Carpet Cleaners
were here and gone in 90 minutes. Short story long? Read on. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;">As we say in the Journalism dodge,
here's what we believe to be true at this juncture:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;">Hanz and Geraldo, the carpet cleaner
team, arrived on time and smelled just swell. Okay, I have a cold, but they
seemed to be well-groomed, professional, uniformed and not-drunk. This is all I
ask of service people who come into my home to service my people and vice
versa. </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;">Apparently my bride found these fine
folk at reduced cost by using a coupon from an organization which, if I'm not mistaken, is better known for returning wandering children to their original owners--or if the
parents refuse to accept them, to the Police Athletic League. </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;">As I understand it, Hans and Gretel
will be doing the entire house for $29.95 and a plate of Mashed Yeast. This
seems an odd choice as both cleaners have heavy Mid-European accents, are clad in Putinwear
Sweats, and sport a bulge under their left underarm. (I have since
learned both Frick and Frak originally hailed from Chernobyl.)</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;">They asked if I wanted anything
"Scotch-Guarded." I replied "only my stomach" and we
laughed until we wept.</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;">I spent the time they worked here
ensconced in my office. According the California EPA--my workspace is
officially listed as both a Historical Site and an illegal Biohazard. Our home
itself was added to the Historic Registry recently, which in California,
includes any edifice built before Madonna first donned her conical yahoos.. </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;">Because of this historical status, I
am unable to make structural changes to my office or its original
wall-to-about-a-foot-from-the-other-wall carpeting. Interesting mucilage fact:
My office carpet is epoxied to the floor with old cigarette wrappers and gum
resin. </span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;">Over the years, rank sentimentalist
that I am, I had mentally catalogued the spills on my rug. Coffee stains, wine
stains and whiskey stains, mostly. Unfortunately, the HMS Recall weighed
anchor years ago, sailed out of my mental harbor, hit a reef and sank with all
hands and numerous other body parts lost. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;">So, should the team clean my office carpet?
Speaking words of wisdom, I suggested George and Ringo let it be. It was a moot
point anyway as both had left their Hazmat Suits at their office.</span><span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;">So now they are gone, all the windows
are open, hoards of locusts are winging dry the overflow carpet cleaner fluid, and
in two-three days the rugs will be dry enough to begin staining again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<span style="color: #141414; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;">Small criticism: The Carpet is now
Puce.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial;">
<b><i><span style="color: #141414; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;">HOUSEHOLD HINT:</span></i></b><i><span style="color: #141414; font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-size: 17.0pt;"> Few potable liquids such as Ginger Ale will actually
remove set-in stains caused by another liquid. However, the old wive's tale
that "red wine poured on a club soda stain will remove it" </span></i><span style="color: #141414; font-family: Times;">is<i> true. Okay, maybe not "remove" it so much
as "replace" it. </i></span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 23px;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<!--EndFragment-->John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-37614892437700977562012-09-04T11:50:00.003-07:002012-09-04T11:50:37.063-07:00Helpless in the New Oz?<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">One of the threads on Linked In is fuhkoktuh. My buddy Lin said <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the issue just only on that thread. He
said he thought I would blame him for the problem. I told him my paranoia is
much wider and in fact i blamed veteran character actor J.K. Simmons for it.
So...I thought maybe I should start and begin to ruin a new thread. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">So this piece is about computer technology and old
farts like me and fellow old-farts-well-met like Chris and Linton and Tim.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Chris said he hated new technology when he doesn’t
understand it. Agreed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Here’s my theory. The fault dear Brutus is not in
ourselves, but in the idiots who write instructions about installing and
working with new technology<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">I actually installed a router once. I could do it
BECAUSE THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE BRILLIANT.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">It took only one clarification phone call, picked
up on the first ring. The guy’s name at the other end was not "Trey"
and he did not have an accent that made it seem like everything would be allright,
when in fact it never was. This guy answered my question clearly. I was not
told to go to some Freakin’ FAQ thread were idiots like me who are confused
come up with wrong answers for other idiots like me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">All us old farts require is logical, linear,
sensible directions. And maybe a nice glass tea.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">The instruction that got me most was when I needed
a new keyboard. I bought a new one and rented a laser cutter to burn through
the Plexiglas -strength plastic wrap it came in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Instructions said to insert the installation CD
that came with my keyboard, and detach my old keyboard and mouse. I did that. Then
of course I could not go on to the next instruction on the CD because I HAD NO
FREAKING KEYBOARD OR MOUSE!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">THE YOUNG PUNKS UNDERSTAND WHAT TO DO IN THAT
SITUATION.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">FORTUNATELY I DID TOO. I BRIBED ONE OF MY GROWNUP SONS TO COME OVER AND INSTALL
IT.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">And why the HELL is the tally light
so goddam tiny and out of my sight line so I don't know I've locked my caps
which I do often because I'm a shitty typist?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Now I want to do an audio book.
record it myself. I dread figuring out how to do it and get it distributed. Halp!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Now, iof uyou’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go listen by golden
oldie by that dead astronaut, Neil Young: “Helpless, HelplesS, HELPLESS.</span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-90037848187956499162012-03-03T14:53:00.001-08:002012-03-03T14:53:27.683-08:00Paulie sez: Newtley May RemarryIn this pre-SuperTuesday Editorial MOBPAC spokesman Paul E. Almonds warns a depressed Newt Gingrich is not a happy camper. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNigIhFJGgI&feature=youtu.be">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNigIhFJGgI&feature=youtu.be</a>John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-81046634373296300282011-12-16T13:49:00.000-08:002011-12-16T13:49:39.696-08:00Old Coot's Crackin' Christmas Collection<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCE6cvwJOoVW2h6swyf-Yr3E2h5kydd4-8zh2AS7ytLIyRvpxuNksk5SH-aZ0WdTOWPEQMZPRNbJTwhykwYGBVvQ-ZywD_6DRRhyphenhyphenQKYiv_rU0KoQvmVSOg-0anwBgdNUmwJdhdv0OFm6Y/s1600/mail-1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCE6cvwJOoVW2h6swyf-Yr3E2h5kydd4-8zh2AS7ytLIyRvpxuNksk5SH-aZ0WdTOWPEQMZPRNbJTwhykwYGBVvQ-ZywD_6DRRhyphenhyphenQKYiv_rU0KoQvmVSOg-0anwBgdNUmwJdhdv0OFm6Y/s1600/mail-1.jpeg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Old Coot Hat & Camera</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The <i>Old Coot with a Camera</i> presents his Top Five Great Christmas Presents to give to friends and loved ones. Here's a hint: Number Two is "booze." He also unveils a hitherto undisclosed talent--music. Accompanying himself on his Mighty Organ, OC-WAC presents bold interpretations of Holiday Classics. Look for an album soon.John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-58311391091148700492011-09-06T17:13:00.000-07:002011-09-06T17:13:16.785-07:00Our Maine Hurrication (with videos)—Summer, 2011
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9ZTSh_FEKD-T_W6xAgSH6JtQuHXdV3zZRx5Dngh9wZ-mfm4jw_K9xU5xemSjg6MMMrXZc4jeIzO2B5OSJmiEC5rabuvzl6x8I0IGqUy2rvvKZNoKVbAwFpxtbNm49hdJzO8aKoh21niQ/s1600/Lobstuh-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9ZTSh_FEKD-T_W6xAgSH6JtQuHXdV3zZRx5Dngh9wZ-mfm4jw_K9xU5xemSjg6MMMrXZc4jeIzO2B5OSJmiEC5rabuvzl6x8I0IGqUy2rvvKZNoKVbAwFpxtbNm49hdJzO8aKoh21niQ/s1600/Lobstuh-2.jpg" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Where we Went</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kennebunkport, ME.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Why we went there</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: Because we so admire George H.W. Bush, who Summers there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Real reason we went there</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: Relatives, lobstuhs, and the ceaseless need to observe Yuppies in their natural habitat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Our Habitat</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">:
Rented home near water—<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">too</i> near water
at times.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Uninvited Guest</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: Hurricane Irene <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Method of Transport to Site: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">Aircraft, Car, Gossamer Wings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Favorite Meal on Plane:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;"> Animal Crackers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Favorite Marx Brothers Movie</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: <a href="http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6627557277654360838">Ditto</a>. </span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Least Popular Sound on Plane</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: Unhappy infant wailing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I pagliacci vesti la giubba</i></span><span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> as performed by</span><span style="font-family: Times;"> a herniated Luciano Pavarotti with tacks in his eyes
and while being water-boarded.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Question Angrilly Asked of me in the terminal</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: “Was that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">your</i>
baby?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">What I said</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">:
“No.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">What I wish I’d said</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: “Yes, that’s why we left him on the plane.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">What I felt:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">
Sorry for the kid, sorrier for the parents.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Aviation note</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: Virgin America charges $25 a bag for checked luggage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Advice</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">:
Wear all your clothing when you fly Virgin America.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Was the Weather Good? </span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">Ayup. Except for the Hurricane.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Lobstuhs & Hurricanes</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: Shortly after Irene blew by, a Lobstuhman friend of
my wife’s cousin, Tracey, hauled in 798 pounds of Lobstuh in a single day, a
personal best.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Footnote:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">He had<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b></span><span style="font-family: Times;">pulled up half his traps before the storm and set the others deep.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Anecdotal Conclusion</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: Hurricanes are good for
Lobstuh fishing.</span> </span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Good News about Lobstuhman</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: Generous soul. Gave said cousin free
Lobstuhs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Good News about Cousin</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: She shares.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Karmic Payback</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">:<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>Later, we took Tracey to the airport
for her flight home--leaving the same time as ours. Well into the drive, she
realized she’d forgotten her wallet. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Something You May Not Know about Me</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: I never get mad at someone who regifts Lobstuhs to
me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;"><b>Long Story Too Long Already</b>: We
retrieved the wallet and made both flights with mere hours to spare. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Who I saw in Maine I hadn’t seen in years: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">Legendary Boston Golden Throat, raconteur, and
erstwhile Junket Best Buddy, Dana Hersey.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Where</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: At
a saloon in Portland.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Why Portland?</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;"> Dana has a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pied a terre</i> on an
island in nearby Casco Bay.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">How he looked</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: Tanned, rested and not the least bit dissipated.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">How I looked</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">:
None of the above.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">What I watched waiting for Dana’s ferry to arrive</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: A Dude with a silver-wrapped box on his head
playing guitar while a woman played a musical saw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">You’re making that up, right?</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;"> I’m not. Never accuse me of deception until you know
if I have video evidence. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Video Evidence: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">It’s for moments like these I always carry my Flip Camera.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;"><br /></span></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dzKHXdEfRE01WisV5JMJ2QrjYh2zAFjcZrJecgaeEi_-v9LrZ4V0ar7DmpQ2W7uHg8ZfFNXQlQcd7c5q4I1WA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Who we did not see in New England</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: A good high school friend and wife, who Summer in
New Hampshire.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Why not: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">Rain,
wind, floods, destruction, locusts, fire ants, rabid Sea Lions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">You’re making that up, right?</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;"> Yes. Video too hard to fake.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Side Note</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">:
My friend, a successful and award-winning vintner, had to leave for his vintner
place to harvest his <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Topo Gigio</i> grapes.
Excuse me, his <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Pinot Grigio</i> grapes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">What You May Conclude</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: All I know about wine is this--The quality of the
box a wine comes in does not relate directly to the quality of the wine
contained therein.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Guests who visited and stayed with us</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: My Cousin and her boyfriend, plus one of my wife’s
best friends and her husband.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">And: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">They
arrived bearing wine and food.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Furthermore</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">:
Neither was served from a box.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Further Furthermore</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: My cousin bought me a belated birthday present, a “Wayfarer Inn: Cape Porpoise”
ball cap. I now wear it on the Left Coast to make Republicans jealous.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">MVP</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">:
Salaan, Hostess/relative. Salaan is a Dotty Cousin, in her seventies, and had open-heart
bypass surgery <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">two months </i>prior to
family gathering<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.</i> She drove up from
Virginia, cooked, washed, shopped and cleaned everything in sight.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Runner-Up</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">:
Barbara, her 82-year-old sister, and a tweeting maniac.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Second Runner-up</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: William, One-plus year old toddler who is learning to walk and likes Peek-a-boo.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Third Runner-up: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">William’s exhausted Mom & Dad, Tricia & Fabrice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Biggest effect of Hurricane Irene on us</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: 24-hours without power.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Unexpected Feeling: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">I felt sorry for President Obama.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Why? </span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">Powerlessness
sucks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">My Ailment on Trip</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: What I thought was a pimple on my back was actually a festering,
puss-filled, grotesque, infected thingy needing medical attention.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">How I found out</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: It burst and left a dark stain on my old KCAL News T-shirt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Status of shirt:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;"> I still wear it. If people ask, I tell them stain is where the knife
went in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Status of You:</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;"> Went to great Urgent Care place. Got urgent pills.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Took pills urgently. Wife and cousin
cleaned and dressed wound. Grimaced for sympathy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Prognosis</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">:
I’ll be ready for the playoffs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">What did I learn? </span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">Pimples sometimes aren’t.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Summer Summary<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Upside of Vacation</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: Saw remnants of Hurricane. Had Lobstuh. Avoided 105 heat in Calabasas.
Chatted up relatives. Ate good food. Drank good wine. Met good people.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Downside of Vacation</span></b><span style="font-family: Times;">: Not creative for two weeks. Gained too much weight. Car battery
died while gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Missed seeing
some people I wanted to see. <o:p></o:p></span>Too many tourists.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times;">Miscellaneous Knowledge Gained: </span></b><span style="font-family: Times;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Red
Sox won’t be in the World Series. Weathercasters in New England know their
stuff. If your Barista is talking to her boyfriend, come back later, or accept
that your latte will be all but undrinkable. Maine brewed <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Frye’s Leap</i> <i>IPA</i> is superb. Maine has bugs, including
No-see-ums and EEE-carrying mosquitoes. You <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">can</i>
get tired of Vanilla ice cream w/blueberries. And Lobstuhs. Add
meat to vegetarian lasagna, and it is delicious. Tofu should be re-categorized
as Industrial Waste. In a pinch, a decent Cab works as a breakfast wine. Bring
mud shoes to Maine. On, the last full day we were there, the weather was
glorious. We will return. Why? Let's go to the video...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-14807440872801211812011-09-04T13:33:00.000-07:002011-09-04T13:33:46.265-07:00You Must Be THIS Tall to Fly
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipTlVv91I0xqUHbH-JAMWcdbA6yhMFmPDAmfz2EQsVb1GHk_o6636b9yEMCbYvmBm8DIxogYva_AcBIKP1L0MCS8DXuov9oLbOys3k8zb6v4-nch1pggTiea0OzvqrPgpyff3HapYD88M/s1600/airplane+for+Gada+blog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipTlVv91I0xqUHbH-JAMWcdbA6yhMFmPDAmfz2EQsVb1GHk_o6636b9yEMCbYvmBm8DIxogYva_AcBIKP1L0MCS8DXuov9oLbOys3k8zb6v4-nch1pggTiea0OzvqrPgpyff3HapYD88M/s1600/airplane+for+Gada+blog.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">I </span>hate to fly. I love <i>flying</i>
mind you, but in this day and age, the physical act of taking an airliner from
point A to Point B is nerve-wracking, expensive, frustrating, and if you don’t
keep a handle on your emotions, may introduce you to the American Penal Code,
Felony division. One such passenger on our flight from Boston to LAX did so
yesterday.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">You must understand Flight Attendants now hold power somewhere between a Fire Marshall a,d a County High Sheriff. There is no court of appeal—except to the Captain—if
he‘s back from the bar by then. (We kid the Captain). Recently </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">Green Day’s</span></i><span style="font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-family: Georgia; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">
Billie Joe Armstrong gave new meaning to the term “front man.” He </span><span style="font-family: Times;">was invited off a Southwest jet for allegedly wearing
his pants too low. Apparently, it’s above the pee-pee or out the door on SW. He
got on the next flight, with an apology—his pants flew coach. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">I feel Dude’s pain. Try
walking thru security with your wallet, your must-start computer, your book,
your sammich and your boarding passes in hand while tying to hold up your
beltless pants with only a prayer and your expanded gut.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">Not that I’m complaining. Next
week is the tenth Anniversary of 9/11—TSA is necessary. A radiated Wazoo is the
price we pay for freedom. We doff our footgear because some moron in tennis
shoes tried to blow us up. We pay for baggage and get only free animal crackers
on a 6-hour flight because airlines are greedy. Airlines have adapted the
philosophy of those airport parking structures that doubled fees after 9/11 claimning
terrorists are too cheap to pay extra.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;"> <b> Stooges, Stooges, Everywhere</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like to joke, but I know the boundaries. When a TSA agent
bantered something mildly insulting, I replied in best Stooge fashion “Oh, wise
guy, eh?” Had I hit the wrong inflection, I’d have gotten a prostate exam by
Floyd “Clawhammer” Zbswekski, Cavity Search and Rescue Specialist, TSA.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead I got a “Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk” in
return.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">As I bolted for freedom,
another <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>TSA agent blocked my path.
“Welcoming committee?” I asked. He smiled and said “I’d love to have a peek at
that watch of yours.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Say <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">what</i>? Guys walk in with Rolexes the size
of a canned ham and he wants to look at <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">my</i>
ancient and honorable Casio <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Telememo</i>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Easily dealt with—I just go into
salesman mode. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">“This is an old-fashioned
Casio multifunction beauty,” I reply laying the watch across my wrist. “It has
local time <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i> time in LA.” “Got
phone numbers here, got a stop-watch, an alarm, and a gizmo that connects my computer
directly to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Al Qaeda</i>.” (Made <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i> up).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">By then, my pants were on
the floor and my new TSA buddy was ready to order his own Casio. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <b>Got No Reason to Live</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">Once onboard, the plane was
ready to push back when a miniature woman slowed us down. Here is the Microfiche
Missy’s story:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">Okay, she may have had a valid argument, but Karma may have helped her earn a criminal record. She was so
nasty, I think Randy Newman was writing about <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">her</i>. Lady had reserved a seat in the front row. Before she boarded,
the woman adjacent asked a flight attendant if her daughter could move next to her, and have Short
Stuff sit in the “same seat” but across the aisle. The sympathetic male agent—who
sported a double looped ponytail--said yes. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">Enter the midget. Shorty Temper-Tantrum
was about 4’1” in pumps. She was displeased. She told Blond FA and the rest in
no uncertain terms she wanted her reserved seat. She bellowed at the poor
daughter “This is my seat! You know that!” The FAs advised her to stand up and
move--”oh sorry, you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">are</i> standing.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">Ms. Agita lady continued to
bellow her case and used her finger for emphasis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The overhead bin was opened, and dudette and her duds were
shown the door. There she was greeted by marshals, TSA cops, and veteran
character actor M. Emmett Walsh. She pointed again, making contact with a
Marshall. The next sound was her making contact with the jetway. She was cuffed
with Joe Friday Action Figure Handcuffs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">At this point, she might get
off with a warning. But: “Want, some more, Ms. Munchkin?" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">“Sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll take spit on an air marshal for
$600, Alex.” Buh-bye airport, hello Riker’s Island. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">All this excitement so
tuckered the flight attendants, they decided to sit out most of the flight.
Fortunately, D and I were able to wrest away our mid-flight meals --a Coke and free
Animal Crackers for me, and Madam will have the bottled water and chocolate chip cookies.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Coke was moist, the
crackers slightly dry and overdone. Dotty fell back into her coma before I
could get her review.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times;">I told her the ejection
story when we were home, and again this morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She takes enough preflight Xanax to fell a Musk Ox, so I may
get to tell the story several more times.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-57626748136845644042009-06-03T15:20:00.000-07:002009-06-03T15:34:42.511-07:00In Aviation, There Isn’t Always a Plan B<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">While they investigate and speculate what brought down Air France Airbus, flight 447 over the Atlantic Ocean, the leading candidate remains violent weather.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">You’ve no doubt read about thunder cells towering to 60,000 feet in the vicinity of the accident.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Some media have argued these storms can bring down an airliner. Aviation experts say it is unlikely. In truth the incredible strength and redundant systems of the modern day airliner assure that all but the absolutely most violent weather cannot harm it.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Some odd things can. Canadian Geese, as readers of Sully’s Saga ending in the Hudson River have seen.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">These are huge animals which, when sucked into vital parts of an airplane, can bring it to ground. (The geese didn’t fare so well either.)</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Which brings us to Flight 447 and an incident that happened to an airliner shortly before the Air France catastrophe. An SAS Norway 737 airliner suffered a mid-air collision with a living entity and was forced to make an emergency landing to prevent possible disaster.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">When you read below what the entity was, you may laugh. But the same website that reported the SAS incident--<a href="http://avherald.com">Aviation Herald</a>--recounted one historical precedent. A related incident caused the crash of a 757 airliner en route from the Dominican Republic to Frankfurt, Germany, with the death of all 189 passengers and crew on board.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">What brought down the Frankfurt-borne jet, and caused the emergency landing of the SAS airliner?</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Insects. That's right, insects.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">A number of insects brought down the 757, a single Bumblebee caused the 737’s emergency landing.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">You may now pause to speculate how this happene, and no, the insects weren’t inside the aircraft distracting the pilots.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Are you ready?</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">In the 737 incident May 30, the Bumblebee was ingested in one of the aircraft’s pitot tubes. A pitot tube is a small, straw-like device that gives the aircraft’s speed. When the two pitot tubes disagreed on actual airspeed, the Captain chose to declare an emergency and land, which he did safely.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">In the other incident, the aircraft had been on the ground for 25 days, and one or more insects got into the pitot tubes. One device apparently indicated the plane was flying too slow and about to stall, the other that it was unsafely over speeding. The crew could not resolve the issue and it crashed. For details, see <a href="http://avherald.com">Aviation Herald</a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:14.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:14.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:14.0pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-47921274562601836892009-04-04T13:06:00.000-07:002009-04-04T13:18:42.222-07:00Anchor “Retires” with Platinum Parachute<span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">N.B. For years Pesky Gadabout wrote critical and humorous letters about TV news, almost exclusively to a website that served its practitioners, ShopTalk. Some 75 of those letter essays were gathered in the book “A Few Marbles Left,” (Bonus Books, 2001) which is available from used booksellers through Amazon.com. The Pesky Gadabout Blog, on the other hand, has mostly been dedicated to all kinds of humor and satire. This piece, while an essay, is not satire, and despite Pesky’s best efforts, actually contains real news. </span><br /><br />Pesky Gadabout has it from a hitherto reliable but as yet unconfirmed source that “retiring” NBC anchor Paul Moyer will not be suffering financially for the foreseeable future, and will be paid the remainder of his lucrative contract. Moyer, who has worked in the LA Market for an extraordinary 37 consecutive years, had been the market’s top paid anchor for some time now. Ratings at KNBC, along with owner NBC, have slipped lately, however. The local KNBC news has been largely mired in third place.<br /><br />In articles about Moyer’s leaving, the LA Times reported neither the station nor Moyer would confirm the nature of his retirement—voluntary or don’t let the door hit you in the rear. <br /><br />News reports indicated Moyer had been earning $3 million a year at KNBC. Dumping that salary would undoubtedly allow the station to put those financial resources elsewhere, one would be led to believe. Not so fast there, bottom line breath. Moyer will receive his guaranteed salary for the remainder of his contract—which has four years remaining—according to the source.<br /><br />While it may appear this $12 million payoff went for helping lead his station’s news from first to third and hence reeks of AIG-like bonuses, such is not the case. In TV news world it means a big “Huzzah” for Paul. Few former members of that once-esteemed profession have been able to take their employers to the hoop as well as Moyer has, if the source is accurate.<br /><br />Pesky has long held that the big money on-air people in TV have received over the years seems inordinately high for the work required, But the real reason for their high pay is the job insecurity, and the fact you can be canned because your boss screwed up or just doesn’t like the cut of your jib. That is anecdotal evidence Pesky learned the hard way.<br /><br />So TV people should earn as much as your agent could get you, while you could. (In today’s economy, that is no longer necessarily so….) When you are let go, most of us get our AFTRA guaranteed farewell check and an armed escort to the door. Often a new job means uprooting the family and leaving town. So it Moyer has indeed relieved NBC of some of the wealth it had earmarked to squander elsewhere, good on him.<br /><br />Pesky worked with Moyer more than twenty years ago, and when he himself was dismissed from his gig and told Paul the news, the latter’s reaction was “I can’t believe it! If that’s true, I’m marching right into the news director’s office and quitting, too!” <br /><br />It was the kindest thing he could have said, even if we both knew it was a “show business” lie, i.e. a statement not to be taken at face value. But amazingly enough, several years later, Moyer did exactly that. He then signed on at another station with a nice bump in salary and prestige.<br /><br />I like Moyer, even though I’ve only seen him once since that day. He was one of those anchors who didn’t lord it over the rest of the troops when I knew him, a decent and good guy to hang with. He brought what integrity and dignity he could to a business that has become sorely lacking in the industry. He fronted investigations, did interviews, and lent an air of authority to the anchor desk where ever he worked.<br /><br />Like his long time rival, the late Jerry Dunphy, Moyer became one of the most recognizable faces of the city he called home. Like another well-known face of LA, the late Hal Fishman, he became a pilot—another reason to like the guy. And it should be noted; unlike those two contemporaries he did not die on the job. Both Dunphy and Fishman were still anchoring when their hearts gave out.<br /><br />No date has been announced for Moyer’s final farewell at channel 4. But if you take a gander at his face—even in Hi def--you’ll realize he’s much too young to retire for good. For whatever he ends up doing, Pesky wishes him the best of luck.<br /><br />Copyright 2009<br />John H. Corcoran, Jr.<br /><br />This article may be reprinted or forwarded in part or in full, provided acknowledgement of the source is made. Oh Hell, it’s the internet, do what you do, but consider your Karma.John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-66044660883743005902008-11-11T11:21:00.000-08:002008-11-11T12:26:56.419-08:00Old Fart Futility Update #1<span style="font-style: italic;">Old Fart Futility Updates (OFFU) will be issued occasionally in an attempt to ease the pain of the author’s declining mental acuity. Writing humorously about the forgetting and the fumbling and the foggery may inspire other Old Farts to learn to live with their declining faculties. Also, instead of throwing phones and cussing, I may think “Oh goodie, another entry for OFFU.” And maybe lipsticked pigs will whistle ‘Stardust’ as they fly to the Moon. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">ITEM 1 “ET THROWN PHONE”</span>: We have new cell phones. They are as basic as one can buy unless you unearth the one the Gordon Gecko used in the 1987 movie <span style="font-style: italic;">Wall Street</span>. (It’s roughly the size of a canned ham, and all it did was make phone calls.) The problem today is all those New Phone Update Nazis who keep adding unnecessary features—like Frogger 3-D or Sasquatch Alert or downl<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.blog.speculist.com/archives/wallstreet%20phone.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 345px;" src="http://www.blog.speculist.com/archives/wallstreet%20phone.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>oads of <span style="font-style: italic;">Lawrence of Arabia</span> for my 1-inch screen.<br /><br />One new feature is particularly galling: My new phone “locks” itself after each use for no apparent reason. To use the phone again, you must “unlock” it and poke “OK.” To add to the fun, there are no buttons on the phone marked “Unlock” or “OK.” None of the buttons on my New Phone have words, just Post-Modernist hieroglyphics. One button has a squiggle. Another has an arrow. A third has a tiny picture of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mamie_Eisenhower">Mamie Eisenhower.</a><br /><br />Recently, before I could dig it out from all the crap in my <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=2233752">Man-Purse</a> (you got a problem with that, Scooter?), my Phone from Hell sent the caller to voice mail, and greeted me with a taunting “Missed call. Do you wish to retrieve it?” message.<br /><br />I pushed a button, pretty much at random. (No matter which button I push, nothing good ever happens.) Nothing happened. So I pushed two buttons. The screen ordered me to “Press Unlock, then OK.” I pushed two more buttons. Nothing happened. I changed the order of button pushes planning on the “<a href="http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/An_infinite_number_of_monkeys_with_typewriters">Infinite Number of Monkeys</a>” algorithm to bail me out. Nope. After about thirty more tries, the screen displayed the word “Unlock” and suggested I push a button directly below it, and then one beneath the word “OK.” I did. The screen then said “”Press Unlock, then OK,” adding “Suckuh!!!” I typed in a message telling the phone what it could do with all its buttons. It ignored me.<br /><br />That’s when I threw my phone. I took care not to pull a Russell Crowe and cleared the room of hotel clerks before I aiming at a pile of clothes. I missed and hit the wall, earning me the nickname “Matt Leinart.” When I retrieved the phone the screen said “Ouch.”<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">ITEM 2. “COFFEE DESTATICIFICATION TRICK”</span> One of the disadvantages of the plastic bins that come with Burr Grinders is the coffee gets an electric charge while being ground. Stick a plug in the newly ground coffee and your can toast an English Muffin to a golden brown deliciousness.<br /><br />If you don’t want a muffin, however, getting the coffee out of the plastic bin involves a lot of slamming and banging. The first bang occurs with the lid still on, and is designed dislodge the coffee on said lid. Unfortunately, this causes said coffee to spew out the entry aperture of the bin. That causes a mess and is a waste of good coffee. So today, I solved the problem—I thought.<br /><br />After I grind, I mix and match two sets of coffee beans in a small cereal bowl. With the first batch already in the bowl, I ground the second batch. My plan was to bang the bin right next to the cereal bowl, causing the spewed coffee to lands in the bowl. Problem solved, Old Fart style.<br /><br />Interesting factoid: When you misjudge the distance just the teensiest bit and slam the bin full force on to the rim of the cereal bowl instead of the counter, you can launch the coffee already in the bowl throughout the entire kitchen.John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-6156048931406333432008-10-22T11:47:00.000-07:002008-10-22T12:36:15.105-07:00Mr Bumbles & Ms Alaska Keep Us Laughing<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://msnbcmedia4.msn.com/j/msnbc/Components/Photos/070301/070301_mccain2_hmed_330a.h2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px;" src="http://msnbcmedia4.msn.com/j/msnbc/Components/Photos/070301/070301_mccain2_hmed_330a.h2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />And you thought it was Republican Comedy Week <span style="font-style: italic;">last</span> week? Turns out John McCain's visit to <a href="http://lateshow.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/show_info/tickets/">David Letterman</a> and Sarah Palin's stop by <a href="http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/">Saturday Night Live</a> were just warm up acts. Now he Dems are laughing. The GOP? Not so much.<br /><br />First there was Sen. John McCain, the man accused of supporting Bush's policies 90% of the time. Turns out, he's also following in <span style="font-style: italic;">W</span>'s foot-in-mouth steps in another critical area. "Bushisms," meet "McCainisms." The latest example was a dilly as he tried to attack his opponent. Said McCain:<br /><br />"You know, I think you may have noticed that Senator Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately," McCain told an audience in a town called Moon, in Western Pennsylvania, eliciting boos and catcalls. "And you know, I couldn't agree with them more," he aded, eliciting blank stares and pangs of regret. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLVSURlFoQs">(Clip on Youtube)</a><br /><br />The man who can't tell a Sunni from a Shia was joined in the Kavalcade of Komedy by <a href="http://www.blogger.com/www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6urw_PWHYk">Bozo the Beauty Queen</a>, his running mate.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.collegenews.com/uploads/palinsnl.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://www.collegenews.com/uploads/palinsnl.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Gov. Sarah Palin is the vice presidential nominee of the party which once criticized then democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards for getting $400 haircuts. Sarah Palin is the vice presidential nominee of the party that has accused Sen. Barack Obama of being an “Elitist.”<br /><br />We may not know what it costs to put lipstick on a pig, but we now know what it costs to <a href="http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalpunch/2008/10/a-big-wrinkle-i.html">dress up and make up a vice presidential candidate</a>--$150,000. Of that, about $4,000 was just for her hair.<br /><br />In fairness, it should be noted not all of the 150 Large went to Palin herself. Some helped beautify her hubby, Mr. Sarah Palin, and her infant son. Hey, you can't expect the kid to campaign in non-designer Diapers, can you? Well, as McCain might say when asked about diapers,<a href="http://www.northshorecare.com/depend-poise.html"> “Depends.” </a><br /><br />Whether you find this financial outlay funny or tragic probably depends on your sense of humor during the greatest economic crisis since the Depression. But even the financially devastated might find McCain spokesman Tracey Schmitt's explanation of the expense funny in an absurdist sort of way.<br /><br />"It was always the intent that the clothing go to a charitable purpose after the campaign."<br /><br />Of course. Lord knows there are oodles of poor people in dire need of <a href="http://www.blogger.com/www.saksfifthavenue.com/">Saks Fifth Avenue</a> campaign clothes or a stunning cocktail dress perfect for milady's GOP fundraiser.<br /><br />Quite the week for Ms. Palin. On Monday, she answered a third grader's written question <a href="http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/261455">on live TV</a> by claiming the vice president of the United States "is in charge of the Senate." Personally, I cut her some slack. The woman is busy gazing toward Russia watching for Putin's enormo-head to pop up in our Airspace. She can't be expected to know a lil' document called the Constitution notes: "The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no vote, unless they be equally divided."<br /><br />Palin's SNL appearance was scripted, of course, made up by talented writers. But this stuff, this week? You can't make up stuff like that.<br /><br />And <span style="font-style: italic;">that's</span> funny.John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-66410226275130248452008-10-20T10:57:00.000-07:002008-10-20T11:14:36.992-07:00This I Know: 20 October 2008<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/w/u/1/mccain_hat.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px;" src="http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/w/u/1/mccain_hat.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I feel guilty laughing at the comedic ageism directed at John McCain. Not enough to vote for the old geezer, but guilty nonetheless.<br /><br />Every time an anchor at the end of a local newscast says “we know you have many choices for news, we thank you for choosing ours,” I want to shout, “No, we don’t. All local news is run for profit using the same consultants and is exactly the same!” But I don’t because it might scare the neighbors who already think I’m weird.<br /><br />I know advertising “geniuses” have decided that animated spokes-animals in commercials should speak with a foreign accent. I do not believe Geckos can talk, but I believe if they could talk they would <span style="font-style: italic;">not</span> have British accents. I think the only Geckos in Britain are kept in cages, just like the Royal Family.<br /><br />Geico has two commercial themes. The other is “The Cavemen.” If you bought your insurance because you were convinced to do so by a Gecko with a British accent or a Caveman, you are a moron.<br /><br />I know those “talking” computers you get on the phone when you seek service from a company make life miserable for the humans you eventually reach. That’s because people are usually livid at being forced to talk to idiotic technology for ten minutes before they get a human. So, “Kathy” at DirectTV? Sorry.<br /><br />Twenty-nine years ago, on October 22, Andrew S. Corcoran entered the world, and made it a better place by his presence.<br /><br />Levi Stubbs had one of the best voices in rock and roll history. So did Tony Williams. But you probably don’t know who they were because they were the lead singers of groups, and not solo stars. I know Williams led The Platters and Stubbs was lead singer for the Four Tops. Stubbs was also the singing voice of Audrey, the plant from outer space in “Little Shop of Horrors.”<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.boston.com/ae/movies/blog/little_shop_horrors_xl_01.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px;" src="http://www.boston.com/ae/movies/blog/little_shop_horrors_xl_01.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />I know plants can’t sing, either. At least Audrey didn’t try to sing with a British accent. If they remake the movie again, I recommend that instead of human blood, Seymour feeds Audrey The Cavemen and the talking Gecko.<br /><br />I know a local source for uncut Atomic Fire Balls—the only hot (spicy) food I like. I had my first one in eighth grade. A Boston hoodlum at my school handed me one and demanded I try it. “Take it out of your mouth and you have to pay me for it.” I didn’t have a penny on me, so I didn’t and I’ve loved them ever since.<br /><br />If I were young and gas was plentiful and there wasn’t Global Climate Change, I’d own me one of them Toyota’s FJ Cruiser SUV deals, just because it looks so <span style="font-style: italic;">damn</span> cool.<br /><br />If I were young and gas wasn’t running out and there wasn’t Global Climate Change, I might fetch me one of them Mini-Cooper convertibles because it looks so <span style="font-style: italic;">damn</span> cool. (And gets very good mileage.<br /><br />Ah hell, if I were young I’d have to work for a living and wouldn’t have time for silly musings on a blog nobody reads. But I’d be rollin’ to work in a <span style="font-style: italic;">damn</span> cool ride….John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-47387488140539934132008-10-13T08:02:00.000-07:002008-10-13T08:26:08.442-07:00This I Know: 13 October 2008<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.collider.com/uploads/images/category/clyde.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px;" src="http://www.collider.com/uploads/images/category/clyde.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000142/">Clint Eastwood</a> is ruining it for all of us old farts. He’s 120 years old and may be the best film director working today. How did he get that gifted? Working with orangutans or sneering, “Go ahead, make my day”?<br /><br />How’s that Bush tax rebate working out? Have you spent yours yet?<br /><br />The<span style="font-style: italic;"> LA Times</span>, to save money now home delivers its paper in water-soluble plastic wrappers. Since Californians all water their lawns in the morning, it means the paper usually gets wet. So, the “savings” is training more and more people to get their news on the Internet and is about to cut more staff,<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Consumer Reports</span> <a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.jayski.com/schemes/2003/cup/43cheerios-rrear.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://www.jayski.com/schemes/2003/cup/43cheerios-rrear.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>says “Cheerios” is the best cold cereal you can get. I have Cheerios every morning, and sometimes for dinner. Have for years. As much as I hate being associated with something so wildly successful and popular, I will continue to do so.<br /><br />My wife has discovered how to use the FM radio portion of our matching cell phones. I still don’t know how to retrieve the voicemail on mine.<br /><br />On this day, 33 years ago, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bz4txgXJ-zw">John H. Corcoran III</a> came into this world, which is a much better place for that event. Unfortunately, that fact makes his father, <a href="http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.goodluckdeluxe.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/old-man-laughing.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.goodluckdeluxe.com/&h=279&w=400&sz=88&hl=en&start=3&sig2=Zwqi3n5FdrasxHrFm_ANVA&usg=__r5eNsu6reDJQOfW_dPAvQprw6gw=&tbnid=DtvkjjvqYNewaM:&tbnh=86&tbnw=124&ei=HmbzSNPJGJCktQPCicmSBA&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dvery%2Bold%2Bman%26gbv%3D2%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG">John H. Corcoran, Jr</a>., freaking ancient.<br /><br />I have never seen <a href="http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/palin-hillary-open/656281/">Tina Fey</a> and <a href="http://wordlist.com/congenital%20idiot.htm">Sarah Palin</a> in the same room together, nor do I expect to. I think there is a better chance that they are the same person than we faked the Moon landing, Oswald acted alone, or <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beelzebub">Sean Hannity</a> is not the Anti-Christ.<br /><br />The Universe is expanding at an accelerating rate. What up with that? Theories for this physics defying process are “dark matter,” “hyperatomic subdistortional phasing,” and a Cosmic joke by God just to mess with Atheists.<br /><br />Did I dream it, or did the Dems, shoo-ins to win the Presidency, risk it all by nominating a <span style="font-style: italic;">black</span> guy?<br /><br />I don’t understand why people’s heads get wider as they age. Okay, that’s technically something I don’t know, but it’s my column, hence my rules.<br /><br />The funniest sketch comedy actress working today is <a href="http://kristenwiigfan.com/">Kristen Wiig</a>.<br /><br />I would like to know what <a href="http://www.profootballhof.com/hof/member.jsp?player_id=152">Bobby Mitchell</a>, former Redskin wide receiver and executive thinks of the movie “The Express.” The film is about Ernie Davis, who was slated to become the first African-American player ever on the team. The Redskins traded their rights to Davis for Mitchell, who became a star, and later, a Redskins executive. Davis, tragically, never played in the pros and soon after died of Leukemia.John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-52823204606589439522008-10-06T09:28:00.000-07:002008-10-06T10:01:49.405-07:00This I Know: 6 October 2008*California grows terrific pot. Instead of prosecuting growers, let’s start exporting our best weed to Afghanistan; see how the Taliban likes <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span>. If we could mellow out our enemies instead of killing them, we’d not only win the war quicker, but turn a profit doing so.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/39153000/jpg/_39153143_finnish_fans.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/39153000/jpg/_39153143_finnish_fans.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />*People once dismissed as idiots are now featured as “fans”. There are three basic types: Fools who dye their hair, face and sometimes bodies team colors; morons who grab their shirt above the nipples and lift it toward the camera to show which team they favor, and bozos who scream “We’re Number One” when clearly they most resemble Number Two.<br /><br />*Mike Tyson’s first words after the “ear-biting” fight with Evander Holyfield were, “tastes a little bit like chicken.”<br /><br />*The three people I’d most like to have dinner with? Jesus, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Benchley">Robert Benchley</a> and “Two Ton” <a href="http://www.boxrec.com/list_bouts.php?human_id=012125&cat=boxer">Tony Galento</a>. Benchley for his humor, Galento because he was a boxer who trained f<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.natbenchley.com/images/hirschfeld.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://www.natbenchley.com/images/hirschfeld.gif" alt="" border="0" /></a>or his Joe Lewis fight on “beer, spaghetti and hamburgers,” and Jesus to assure lots of good wine at dinner.<br /><br />*There are few true mysteries as fascinating as Aviation True Mysteries. Steve Fossett is just the latest example in a field that includes the still missing Glen Miller, Amelia Earhart, and Congressman Hale Boggs.<br /><br />*Ooops. Samo-samo for missing submarine mysteries. Hail and farewell to the brave crew of the <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/10/081003193648.htm">USS Grunion</a>, sunk during WWII and just found off the Aleutian Islands. The Navy refuses to confirm or deny rumors it was on station staring at Rooskie President Putin all these years.<br /><br />*Barry Sonnenfeld should be a guest on national TV at least once a week. He serves two purposes. One, he’s enormously entertaining. Two, no matter how neurotic you are, you are immediately reassured someone is more neurotic than you are.<br /><br />*If McCain’s' poll numbers continue spiraling downward, his (late) October surprise might be a previously undiagnosed "female" problem for poor Sarah, who will be reluctantly forced to resign for health reasons, and replaced with economic "expert" Mitt Romney...<br /><br />*I like every famous Lesbian I’ve ever interviewed. This includes Rosie O’Donnell, who has a photographic memory and always asked about my kid by name, Ellen DeGeneris who was confident enough to laugh at my jokes, too. And of course, George Clooney.<br /><br />*<a href="http://www.steveallen.com/">Steve Allen</a> was right when he said the quality of entertainment started going to hell when people began to “wooooooo” instead of laughing, cheering or applauding.<br /><br />*Israel wants to buy the new, (mostly) American made <a href="http://www.jsf.mil/">F-35 </a>fighter/bombers. We can’t make cars, our electronics are second rate and our politics questionable, but when it comes to building the best airborne killing systems, nobody tops us.<br /><br />*Nothing makes me laugh out loud more than Bloopers. Not to say they’re the funniest thing in the world, but self-generated assaults on smugness and dignity have a special place in my heart.<br /><br />*I’m not big at quotes. There is one, however, I use a lot and always remember. Lily Tomlin’s line, “I like to think of myself as cynical, but these days, it’s so hard to keep up.”<br /><br />*Just thought of another one. It was credited to Daniel Patrick Moynihan, but he may have been quoting someone who said it first: “You can’t be Irish without knowing that someday the world will break your heart.”<br /><br />*If you are afraid of foxes a good place to hide out is in an atheist hole. No wait, it’s the other way around.John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-49557249349191049052008-10-01T13:26:00.000-07:002008-10-01T13:53:13.375-07:00This I Know: 1 October 2008<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.jewishjournal.com/images/photos/cov_sahl-mort_032108.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://www.jewishjournal.com/images/photos/cov_sahl-mort_032108.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: right;"> <span style="font-weight: bold;">Mort Sahl</span><br /></div><br /><br />I don't believe under any circumstances, that the GOP deserves another turn in the White House. I also believe that humorist <a href="http://www.mortsahl.com/">Mort Sahl</a>'s classic political joke, which he updates every four years, applies now, more than ever.<br /><br />MORT SAHL’S JOKE: "Back when this country was starting out, we had men like Washington and Adams and Jefferson as President. Now, 230 years later, we end up with McCain versus Obama. Do you know what that means? It means Darwin was wrong!<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://images.teamsugar.com/files/users/1/12981/45_2007/brussels.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://images.teamsugar.com/files/users/1/12981/45_2007/brussels.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Babies, when given the choice, will choose candy over Brussels Sprouts every time. So will sane adults. This explains the Mortgage Crisis<br /><br />If he was white and named Barry O'Bama, he'd have a 30 point lead.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GT-Bgz1-HQE">Paul Newman</a> should be seriously considered for Sainthood. He raised as much for the poor, was a better racer, and a much better actor than Mother Theresa.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.billmaher.com">Bill Maher</a> best described Libertarians when he called them Republicans who like pussy and dope.<br /><br />I don't trust anyone on <a href="http://www.sacred-texts.com/chr/tbr/tbr043.htm">Wall Street</a>, even the guy driving the sweeper.<br /><br />Regulation isn't enough--Enforcement is the key. I know this because years ago my wife worked for the enforcement division of NASDAQ. She spent many a day tracking down and collecting evidence about insider trading abuses and other forms of corruption. Trouble was, nothing was ever done about it.<br /><br />“The Mentalist,” besides being a humorless rip-off of USA Networks’ “Psych” really doesn’t have its act together. Is he a psychic? Just smart? Intuitive? A smartass?<br /><br />Former favorites running low on fuel include “Boston Legal” and “Entourage.” <a href="http://www.rickygervais.com/">Ricky Gervais</a> and Larry David may be considered very smart for abandoning their shows before audiences did.<br /><br />I think Nancy Pelosi was dumb as mud to go rub it in to the Republicans on the Floor before the vote. It was a thoughtless and petty thing to do, and knowing that the Republican leadership was equally thoughtless and petty, she should have predicted their vindictive reaction.<br /><br />This nation has never been so divided since the Civil War. If Vietnam was a family squabble, this is the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s. Okay maybe the Pepsi/Coke cola wars were also more<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.perezfox.com/images/cola_wars_300.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://www.perezfox.com/images/cola_wars_300.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a> divisive.<br /><br />The Media is a lost cause. The ONLY newscast worth watching every single night is “The Daily Show.”<br /><br />I don't have to listen to the Presidential Debates, I already know who I'm voting against.<br /><br />We may be past the tipping point in the Environment. <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2006/09/060907102808.htm">Methane Gas</a> will kill us--well not us, but the next generation.<br /><br />If someone shaves Dick Cheney and Rupert Murdock's heads, post mortem, they will find a "666" carved in their skulls. If someone shaves their heads pre-mortem, he or she is my new hero.<br /><br />While Hollywood continually remakes movies and TV shows that have no business being remade—<span style="font-style: italic;">Top Gun</span> is the latest—no one ever remakes the most prescient episode of a TV series every filmed. That’s the Twilight Zone’s “<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Monsters_Are_Due_on_Maple_Street">The Monsters Are due on Maple Street</a>.” Nailed it.<br /><br />I'd say the odds of Bush stopping the election are roughly 50-50.<br /><br />The Redskins--if by some miracle stay healthy--have a legitimate shot of making the Superbowl. That, however, is unlikely as they are very very thin at several key positions.<br /><br />If I were a betting man, I'd bet Springsteen sings the following three numbers at the Superbowl: <span style="font-style: italic;">Born to Run, Born in the USA</span>, and <span style="font-style: italic;">Glory Days.</span> For his encore, I’m thinking Rosie Clooney’s <span style="font-style: italic;">Come onna My House</span> or <span style="font-style: italic;">Bess You Is My Woman</span> from Gershwin’s “Porgie and Bess.”<br /><br />I’d also bet at least 500 people will wonder, "What's that <span style="font-style: italic;">Sopranos</span> guy and Conan's drummer doing in Bruce’s band?"<br /><br />If Sarah Palin made it to the Miss America finals, she would have been tripped up and eliminated when Bert Parks asked her "What do you think is the most important aspect of international diplomacy?" and replied, "Good sight lines into enemy territory."<br /><br />There is a product you can order from an Infomercial, or buy at Bed Bath & Beyond, which you epoxy to the bottom of your feet at night. In the morning, the product claims to have sucked out all the bad stuff in your system. It costs only $19.95 for a lifetime supply and is aimed at people who think they are too smart to fall for that Nigerian Diplomat Scam.<br /><br />With the single exception of Richard Nixon, who resigned before he was impeached, no one has finished his term as President with a better “worst President ever” finishing kick than George W. Bush.<br /><br />Barack Obama should announce that Bill Clinton will head up a special task force, appointed the day of his inauguration, whose task it is to rebalance the budget again, and that if he does so, Bill’s reward is Obama will appoint Hillary Ambassador at Large, a gig that involves constant overseas travel.<br /><br />Why would anyone waste any of the precious time we are given on Earth watching <a href="Warren%20Sapp">Warren Sapp</a> dance?John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-62628273823475253612008-09-01T10:56:00.000-07:002008-09-01T11:10:46.647-07:00GOP Convention Update #31<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3bluedudes.com/hug.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px;" src="http://3bluedudes.com/hug.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">The following report from the Republican National Committee's Social Secretary updates Attendance Plans of VIPs at the GOP Convention.</span><br /><br />*<span style="font-style: italic;">Arnold Schwarzenegger </span>will NOT attend because of the California budget crisis which he said is growing "like a Toooooomuh."<br /><br />*<span style="font-style: italic;">President George W. Bush </span>will NOT attend the GOP convention because of Hurricane Gustav. (Updates earlier excuse that he'd be "too busy clearing brush at the ranch.")<br /><br />*<span style="font-style: italic;">Vice President Dick Cheney</span> will NOT attend. He's in Florida trying to blow hurricanes out of the sky with Double Ought buckshot.<br /><br />*Speaking of which, <span style="font-style: italic;">Sen. Larry Craig</span> has yet to RSVP. He may be stalling. (Sorry-<span style="font-style: italic;">Pesky</span>)<br /><br />*<span style="font-style: italic;">Benito Mussolini</span> will NOT attend because he feels the Irony would be too obvious.<br /><br />*<span style="font-style: italic;">Generalissimo Francisco Franco</span> will NOT attend because he is still dead.<br /><br />*<span style="font-style: italic;">Idi Amin Dada</span>. Ditto.<br /><br />*<span style="font-style: italic;">Gov. Sarah Pallin </span>will attend if she can find an adoreable set of Go-Go boots to wear during her Snappy Spoon Number, reprised from the Miss Alaska Pageant.<br /><br />*<span style="font-style: italic;">Sen. John Edwards</span> will attend, but only if <span style="font-style: italic;">Sarah Pallin</span> does.<br /><br />*Presumptive Nominee<span style="font-style: italic;"> John McCain</span> will attend if he can find his flip-flops, shoo them little bastards off his lawn, and find out just what the Hell "presumptive" means.<br /><br />*<span style="font-style: italic;">Cindy McCain</span> called to remind everyone Alaska is still near Russia and to ask if New Orleans is still near St. Paul.<br /><br />*<span style="font-style: italic;">St. Paul</span> will NOT attend because he is a Democrat.<br /><br />And last and certainly least....<br /><br />*Former FEMA Head, <span style="font-style: italic;">"Heck of a Job" Brownie</span> will not attend because he is busy as an on-air disaster expert for MSNBC. (<span style="font-style: italic;">Not</span> making that up. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.)John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-43690699497571544812008-08-20T11:04:00.000-07:002008-08-20T11:18:55.594-07:00Hey, Beckham, Bend This, Why Don’t You?<span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">H</span></span>aven’t watched the Olympics much. (Still waiting for Ski-jumping to begin.) But one morning I accidentally tuned in during the final moments of the USA versus Netherlands Soccer Match. Shockingly, it wasn’t nil-nil at the time, but a high-scoring shootout with the USA leading the Belch, 2-1.<br /><br />Then, with victory seemingly in the American’s grasp, All Hell broke loose.<br /><br />First, somebody on the US team had the audacity to kick a Netherregionlander on the shin! The Belch guy acknowledged this egregious invasion of his personal space by falling down, grabbing his leg and writhing in agony. (Soccer players attend finishing school to learn the dramatic art of agony-writhing, in which they engage whenever a verdant breeze wafts near one of their extremities.)<br /><br />Well, the Ref spotted the Belch agony-writhe, nodded his approval, and blew his whistle. He then showed the offending USA player his grocery list, which refs must keep in their pocket on a neat yellow index card. The American saw the card and shook his head, disagreeing with the ref’s plans to purchase Broccoli. This act cured the writher of his agony, and he lept to his feet, none the worse for wear.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">No Shin-kicking Permitted</span><br /></div><br />Kicking someone on or near the shin is frowned upon in Soccer. So the Nethers got a "free kick" from about 20 yards out.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://pro.corbis.com/images/42-17135793.jpg?size=572&uid=%7B1E1F0B00-2438-4124-966A-E869577CDC87%7D"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px;" src="http://pro.corbis.com/images/42-17135793.jpg?size=572&uid=%7B1E1F0B00-2438-4124-966A-E869577CDC87%7D" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Before the kick, the US selected several players their coach doesn't much like. These poor unfortunates have to stand in front of the kicker grabbing their package with both hands. (Their <span style="font-style: italic;">own</span> package, thank you.)<br /><br />The kicker, seeing this <span style="font-style: italic;">Maginot Line</span> ready to block his <span style="font-style: italic;">Force de Frappe</span>, has several options.<br /><br />He could try to kick the ball around the wall—“Bend it like Beckham” style.<br /><br />He might try to b<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.meiko-mlg.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/love-soccer-2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://www.meiko-mlg.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/love-soccer-2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>elt the ball <span style="font-style: italic;">over</span> the guys with their hands on their cranks. To counter this, the crankholders jump as high as they can. (Players with ballet experience are encouraged to <span style="font-style: italic;">sissonne</span> or <span style="font-style: italic;">bourree</span> while airborne.) As one may not use one’s hands in soccer, one must block the ensuing kick with one’s head or face. (<span style="font-style: italic;">NB</span>: That’s right, ladies, men will put their unprotected Dome in harm’s way—risking a shattered nose or scrambled brains—but we use <span style="font-style: italic;">both</span> hands to protect our penis.)<br /><br />There was another option. When the Americans did their Bunny Hop to block a high shot, the Belgian kicker did the unexpected. He fired a low-flying, grass-hugging, worm-burner. The ball rose no more than an inch off the ground. (If you’ve seen me play golf, visualize the trajectory of my Seven Iron.)<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Sneaky Belch</span><br /></div><br />The Belgian kick was <span style="font-style: italic;">so</span> low and <span style="font-style: italic;">so</span> hard it was too late for the Jewel Jumpers to abort their Bunny Hops. Up they flew while the ball rocketed under their feet and into the goal, tying the match.<br /><br />I was so disgusted—not at the goal but the fact I’d actually wasted time watching Olympic Soccer--that I turned off the set. I just didn’t care who won. Also our dog was subtly informing me she was hungry by peeing on the rug. (Our dog is old, stupid and hates me.)<br /><br />What a sport that Soccer is! You run around like idiots for ninety minutes and while you’re doing the Bunny Hop, <span style="font-style: italic;">plieing</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">sou-sousing</span> with your hands on your crotch, you lose the match! Or tie. Or, maybe you…oh who gives a rat’s ass?<br /><br />America may be wrong about a lot of things. But we’re right about Soccer and the rest of the world is wrong. Soccer is a stupid sport unless you're nine years old or a ballet dancing bunny hopper with scrambled gray matter and a dented codpiece.John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-70406180043726953222008-07-28T16:58:00.000-07:002008-07-28T17:41:39.197-07:00U.S. Suffers from "The China Syndrome"<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.abc.net.au/cnnnn/img/captions/dubyaburger.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://www.abc.net.au/cnnnn/img/captions/dubyaburger.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Try as I might I can’t place the <span style="font-style: italic;">entire</span> blame for the Decline and Fall of the United States on the doorstep of one George W. Bush. Even when you add in his backup band, <span style="font-style: italic;">Cheney & The Henchmen</span>, it just won’t fly. Oh sure, they deserve not only the lion’s share of the blame, but the Giraffe Chow, Bamboo Shoots for the Pandas and that carload of peanuts earmarked for Dumbo.<br /><br />And credit where it’s due--no Presidency has given the collapse of this Republic the rocket-assisted kick in the Booty Bush’s has. Dude turned the Constitution, the Environment, the Iraq (such as), and the Economy into his personal Beeyotch. When Edgar Mitchell’s Extraterrestrials return to dig through the remains of American Civilization, forensic evidence will lead right to ol’ #43. (The latest? Bush’s Welcome Wagon gift to the <span style="font-style: italic;">next</span> POTUS, a $490 Billion Fiscal 2009 Budget Deficit.)<br /><br />Not absolving the Idiot-in-Chief, but there's only so much just one man can do. Credit must be shared.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">History</span>: Face it, countries always decline and fall. Ask any Greek or Roman. A Bell Curve denotes how this works. First, it rises. Then everyone gets fat, dumb, and happy. Soon they grow overly complacent, greedy, shifty, horny, dopey, sleepy and sneezy. Next a bunch of other stuff happens. Eventually, Society collapses and the process starts over again. You want details, Google your ass off. I’m just setting up my premise here.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Sex, Drugs & Rock & Roll: </span>Rampant drugs and the sexual revolution chipped away at Values. Priests seduced Altar Boys; dogs and cats slept together, porn became ubiquitous. Rock & Roll wasn’t so bad at first, but it went south as soon as Boys2Men cut an album.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Reagan: </span>A great big round of applause for <span style="font-style: italic;">Reaganism</span>. It really got the ball rolling by decimating the Middle Class.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Clinton: </span>NAFTA was Bill Clinton’s baby.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Egomania: </span>Put your hands together for those Decline and Fall Accelerants like Ralph Nader, whose Megalomania made it possible for Bush to steal Florida. The Media traded in its journalistic chops for wealth and invites into Power Brokers Homes. Artists sold their Souls for a piece of the pie.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Loyal Opposition: </span>Don’t forget the ongoing inability of the Democratic Party to stop bickering long enough to select a candidate who could actually win a General Election.<br /><br />There are more, but these are your primary known knowns about what went wrong with America. Feel free to add your own unknown knowns, known knowns you never knew about, and those unknown knowns no one knows. ("Madge! Get me Rummy!”)<br /><br />We now formally conclude the premise-setup portion of this column. Sum<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.carbuncle.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/bicycles_kensington_high_street_london_carbuncle.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px;" src="http://www.carbuncle.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/bicycles_kensington_high_street_london_carbuncle.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>ming up: Country is going to Hell in a Handbasket, blah blah blah. Watch carefully as this leads to my clever Catchphrase for the mess we’re in.<br /><br />It hit me Sunday while watching a <span style="font-style: italic;">CBS Sunday Morning</span> piece about how everyone and his Uncle Bob is riding a bike in America these days. People ride them to work, to the store, to Grandma’s house. Bike business is booming. Why are Americans giving up their cars and riding bikes? Because they can’t afford gasoline. Why is gasoline so expensive? Because in China, everyone and his Uncle Wong is trading their bikes for cars. It’s the old Hitchcockian “Criss-cross.”<br /><br />So here’s Cork’s Decline and Fall Catchphrase. “We’ve become China!”John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-89564206387729967662008-06-14T09:31:00.000-07:002008-06-14T10:36:03.960-07:00Oh No! Ralphie is Back<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2008-02-26-OneTouchFeb26200812.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2008-02-26-OneTouchFeb26200812.JPG" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Recently the producer of a new Ralph Nader </span><a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-gc4siShjM">commercial</a><span style="font-style: italic;"> proudly noted that he'd finally done a spot for a Presidential candidate. This is my open letter to him.</span><br /><br />Dear Alex:<br /><br />I know we all have to make a living, but allow me some commentary about the person you are helping promote. There once was a time I had nothing but admiration for him. There once was a time when I thought he Mattered. There once was a time when I thought he was part of the Answer for much of what was wrong with America. But no more. And it pains to say that.<br /><br />So I hope you understand why I believe you are helping to enable a once-revered, now pathetic Megalomaniacal to continue to hasten the country along the road to ruin.<br /><br />Because of Ralph Nader’s unfettered Ego, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDGZQIdN9qk&feature=related">George W. Bush</a> is President of the United States. Any expert without a bias will tell you that without Nader siphoning off Democratic votes in Florida in 2000, Bush would not have been close enough to <a href="http://archive.democrats.com/display.cfm?id=248">steal the election</a> there from Gore.<br /><br />Think about that the next time you are paying $4.71 (my neighborhood Shell this morning) for gas. Think about it when you meet someone whose kid or father or aunt died in Iraq, or whos<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://unusuallystupidpoliticians.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/bush-katrina-air-force.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://unusuallystupidpoliticians.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/bush-katrina-air-force.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>e family was destroyed when the spouse left after the third deployment. Think about it the next time a Katrina hits and an idiot President flies overhead looking down in a photo op as he returns from a political fundraiser. Think about it when the US can't react to a genuine world crisis because our military equipment has been eaten up in the sands of Iraq. Think about it the next time Afghanistan takes <a href="http://uk.news.yahoo.com/skynews/20080614/twl-taliban-fighters-flee-after-jail-bre-3fd0ae9.html">a Taliban hit</a>--like today's--because the President went after Saddam and not bin Laden.<br /><br />Think about it as Social Security runs out, as Exxon laughs at the country when they announce their obscene profits, when the Far Right gets another Supreme on the court and does away with <span style="font-style: italic;">Habeas Corpus</span> for good.<br /><br />You can't blame the entire presidency of George Bush on <a href="http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/nadir">Nader</a>, of course, but he is a major, perhaps THE major reason why Bush got to be President. And Nader did it, pure and simple, out of his own neediness. He could have had his moment in the Sun, taken his bows, then bowed out and thrown his support to the man who should have been helping the planet from a position of power, not just winning awards for his Ecological Slide Show. Without Ralph Nader, America wouldn't be sucking hind teat on Global Warming and Alternative Energy development. <br /><br />Then, in 2004, when we all knew better, when anyone with a brain understood the damage Bush was capable of continuing to inflict, Nader came back again for another stint in the Spotlight. The topper was when Bill Maher <span style="font-style: italic;">literally</span> got on his knees and <span style="font-style: italic;">begged</span> Nader to get out of the campaign before he did more damage. Nader smugly sat there on Maher's show, basking in the attention, and said “no,” he was just too important.<br /><br />In 2008, Nader is at it again. And again he will take more votes away from Democrats than from Republicans. How many votes may be determined by how much free publicity he gets from an inept Media, and how naive some voters still are. If McCain squeezes in by, say, winning Florida, Nader will have another skin on his belt. At the very least, Alex, please offer your artistic services to Ron Paul, who will siphon from the Right.<br /><br />Another small complaint. Despite his high-falootin’ self-image, Nader's "commercial," is as trivial as flag pins or pledges of allegiance or middle names are to the real needs of the country. NBA cheating, while important to sports fans and morality fetishists, is right down there with the other non-issues being overblown in the current campaign. Why the NBA, Ralph? Because it's in the news. Because it's a means for Ralph to grab back the spotlight. The Media can't send <span style="font-style: italic;">me</span> into the oblivion I deserve, says Ralph's Ego..<br /><br />So there's another disappointment for those of us who once honored and praised Ralph Nader. Turns out Ralph is as cynical and pragmatic and needy as any of the real candidates. Turns out Ralph craves his Fame Jones like any other addict needs a drug fix.<br /><br />The personal tragedy for Nader is that he has seen his genuine legacy of achievement set aside as he has become a punch line, a laughingstock and a bitter sidenote to the cesspool that is American politics today.<br /><br />Eight years of George Bush would make a Relativist out of most Idealists. Like it or not, Politics is not about absolutes, but compromises. So those of us in the Real World can't afford NaderThink. Hence, I don't give a rat’s ass if <a href="http://www.myspace.com/barackobama">Obama</a> and <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beelzebub">McCain</a> took medical money, as Nader so proudly huffs.<br /><br />A vote for Nader is worse than a wasted vote. First of all, Nader is no more Our Next President than Mike Gravel, Mr. Whipple, or Little Mary Sunshine are. Second, even if Nader <span style="font-style: italic;">could</span> win, Senator Obama, on his worse day, would be ten times the President sad sack Ralph might ever hope to be. Hell, I even think Senator McCain would be better, and the thought of McCain in the White House terrifies me.<br /><br />So, if you <span style="font-style: italic;">must</span> do Nader commercials, Alex, consider this suggestion. Convince him to run for something he won’t ruin the country doing. Run him for NBA Commissioner.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br /><br />PeskyJohn Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-9192938301835867612008-05-14T15:26:00.000-07:002008-05-14T15:39:55.740-07:00The GOP Don't Know & Bush Don't CareYou remember the <a href="http://www.johnmccain.com/">old joke</a> about the frustrated professor who asks a student: “Are you ignorant or indifferent?” The response: “I don’t know and I don’t care.”<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://plooble.typepad.com/bleef/dumb_and_stupid.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://plooble.typepad.com/bleef/dumb_and_stupid.JPG" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Which brings us to the GOP and the Bush Administration. Two events earlier this week confirmed that like the hapless student, they are ignorant and indifferent. (I say “this week.” I’m not sure how that makes this week different from any other. So just humor me and buy the premise.)<br /><br />Let’s start with the GOP’s newly unveiled slogan, shall we? As we all know, the operative political buzz phrase for 2008 is “change.” Every Democratic candidate has been claiming he or she is the candidate of change. Makes sense. Things suck and the public figures change would be for the better. The GOP may have taken a peek at what they’ve accomplished over the past seven years and agree with the Dems’ assessment. So they decided to incorporate “change” into a new GOP slogan.<br /><br />Unfortunately, the good “change” catchphrases have already been used by their opponents, so they came up with the wishy-washy <a href="http://michellemalkin.com/2008/05/13/the-stupid-party-strikes-again-the-change-you-deserve/">“The change you deserve.”</a> Like most catchphrases and ad slogans, it doesn’t actually say anything. I mean, what is the ‘change you deserve?” Logically, it might mean a new party running the show, but that’s probably not the GOP’s intent.<br /><br />What the GOP may not have known is their new slogan isn’t so new. It’s being used to advertise a prescription drug called <a href="http://www.drugs.com/effexor.html">Effexor</a>. I can tell you after a dozen years of satisfied personal use, Effexor is a highly effective mood enhancer. (“Mood enhancer” is a euphemism for “anti-depressant.”)<br /><br />How good is Effexor? Ever since I started taking it I’ve been nothing but sunshine and lollypops. Not a cynical thought has crossed my mind. People are constantly admonishing me to stop being such a durn Pollyanna. “John,” they admonish, “You’re much too happy. Cheer down, will you?”<br /><br />Did the GOP rip off Effexor’s slogan for it’s Ironic context? Naaah. Those humorless bozos wouldn’t appreciate Irony if it bit them on their lead-bottom asses. So let’s just call it incompetence, and move on.<br /><br />This bri<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.topplebush.com/humor/Bush_Golf_2004-06-02.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://www.topplebush.com/humor/Bush_Golf_2004-06-02.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>ngs us to the “I don’t care” portion of our program. George W. Bush just told the country he gave up playing golf in 2003 because of the war in Iraq. Not to give him time to serve in it—we already know where Bush stands regarding personal combat—but out of respect for those serving there. Of course if he’d bothered to ask, those serving there might have voted for him still playing golf but stopping the war.<br /><br />Forget the political implications for a moment. Only a pinhead like Dubya would try to convince people giving up golf is a sacrifice. Every year millions of Americans give up golf voluntarily because they suck at it and want to stop the bleeding. Others stop because it’s too expensive. Some military men have been forced to stop because they’re in Iraq or Afghanistan. Other soldiers stopped playing because they’re currently dead.<br /><br />Of all the outrageous lies, prevarications and exaggerations Bush has foisted on this country, this ranks up at the top with Saddam bought <a href="http://baking.about.com/od/cakes/r/basicyellow.htm">Yellowcake</a> and domestic spying is good for Democracy. Golf, as it has done for so many other golfers, help detach Bush to lie real good.<br /><br />So Bush is a liar and an idiot, but he’s no fool. Since his popularity is already mucking around in Whale poop at the bottom of the ocean, one can only assume that he just doesn’t care anymore.<br /><br />And that’s no lie.John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-30767487204597577482008-05-07T11:18:00.000-07:002008-05-07T11:50:13.036-07:00Numbed Down as Well as Dumbed Down?Is irony dead?<br /><br />Or did I just <span style="font-style: italic;">imagine</span> George W. Bush lectured the Myanmar Junta how to properly run their disaster?<br /><br />Sure, those Myanmaniacs have gotten some 50,000-100,000 citizens killed with the help of a Typhoon--and Bush’s work in <a href="http://www.neworleansonline.com/">New Orleans</a> pales in comparison--but doesn’t anyone get the essential absurdity of it all?<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://blogs.trb.com/news/politics/blog/20050831bush_airforce1_orleans.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://blogs.trb.com/news/politics/blog/20050831bush_airforce1_orleans.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />What does Bush want from Myanmar, a country he calls Burma in that cute way he still calls the Democratic Party the "Democrat Party"? Does he want Flyover rights? Does he Jones for a new photo op of him gazing longingly down from <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/the-flyover-presidency-of_b_6566.html">35,000 feet over </a>a tragedy he couldn’t be bothered to drop in on?<br /><br />Or is Dubya hoping for a Burmese ice license, the better to load up and ship hundreds of tons of frozen water where it isn’t needed while ignoring where it <span style="font-style: italic;">is</span> needed? (For this tragedy, may we suggest sending the ice to Iceland?)<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/msnbc/Components/Photos/061030/061030_typhoon_vmed_12p.widec.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/msnbc/Components/Photos/061030/061030_typhoon_vmed_12p.widec.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>Could Bush be looking for a new parking lot for the tens of thousands of trailers which never reached the people they were intended for?<br /><br />Or maybe Bush just wants to don his Mr. Snugglecrotch flight suit again, land on a carrier and declare another <a href="http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2003/05/20030501-15.html">Mission Accomplished</a>?<br /><br />And while the body count in Myanmar and N.O. don’t match up, let us not misunderestimate Bush’s Skilz as a Master of Disaster. Throw in the grotesquerie that is Iraq and Bush's body count rises significantly. Tote up dead Americans in Iraq <span style="font-style: italic;">and</span> New Orleans plus dead Iraqis and it will likely sweep past the Burma Shave body count.<br /><br />Yeah, I get it. The dudes running Myanmar are worse people than Bush, Cheney and Rummy combined. Certainly we can all agree Americans are generous to a fault when it comes to responding to international disasters. But if Dubya appointed “Heckuva Job” Brownie to run the show, would <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span> shock us? Or are we Americans numbed down as well as dumbed down?<br /><br />And another thing: What’s with Bush sending<a href="http://www.bettybowers.com/jenna.html"> the Missus</a> out as his Point Man? You don’t suppose he saw how Clinton put <span style="font-style: italic;">his</span> Little Woman onstage to try to continue his dynasty and so Bush thought...Oh, dear <span style="font-style: italic;">God</span>, NOOOOOOOOOO!John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-86064440359306634032008-05-03T11:04:00.000-07:002008-05-03T11:20:56.956-07:00Old People have Sex; Tell Oprah<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.exposay.com/celebrity-photos/barbara-walters-abcs-50th-anniversary-all-star-party-1C76RD.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://www.exposay.com/celebrity-photos/barbara-walters-abcs-50th-anniversary-all-star-party-1C76RD.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />Let me start by noting I have nothing against good cosmetic surgery. Facelifts have been with us for a long time. So has <a href="http://www.salon.com/media/log/1999/10/19/walters/">Barbara Walters</a>. It appears the twain have met.<br /><br />Barbara is a legend. She is the Cal Ripken, Jr. of female TV news personalities. She is head and shoulders above them all, even Oprah, who may be bigger now, but can’t catch her for longevity or trailblazitudeness.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Barbara Walters (l)</span><br /><br />How old is La Babs? They say late seventies, and we should all look that good and remain so vital at that age. I doubt, however, we’ll ever know Ms. Walters’ true age for sure without felling her and counting the rings in her legs—and I’m not advocating that--but my guess is she’s actually about 125 years young.<br /><br />Recently, she appears to have sipped a <a href="http://www.champagnemagic.com/sizes.htm">Jeroboam</a> of bubbly from her own Fountain of Youth. Either that or she’s had some extraordinary work. Babs, you look terrific. Her plastic surgery was so successful she got a frantic call form <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001636/">Priscilla Presley</a>, who asked, “Mmmmm Gffff Mmmjmgh Mgggh?” Huzzah for her Plastique Surgeon. Dude rules.<br /><br />With the single exception of the experimental Full Body Cap Regis had in December, it’s the finest work I’ve ever seen on a living human. (Full disclosure: After I contracted Bell’s Palsy in 2003, I had plastic surgery on an eye that drooped like dewlaps on a Bloodhound.)<br /><br />Now the bad news. Apparently, Barbara’s latest rejuvenation has inspired her to announce to the world—maybe as a preemptive pre-outing strike—that she did the nasty last century with a now dead, then married formerly African-American, U.S. American Senator. Not just any dolt, but <a href="http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1E1-BrookeE.html">Sen. Edward Brook</a> of the great State of Massachusetts.<br /><br />Ooops. This just in! Edward Brook is still alive! No word on whether he wishes he were dead and/or wishes Babs had kept her pie ho<span style="display: block;" id="formatbar_Buttons"><span class="on" style="display: block;" id="formatbar_CreateLink" title="Link" onmouseover="ButtonHoverOn(this);" onmouseout="ButtonHoverOff(this);" onmouseup="" onmousedown="CheckFormatting(event);FormatbarButton('richeditorframe', this, 8);ButtonMouseDown(this);"><img src="http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif" alt="Link" border="0" /></span></span>le closed. (More Full disclosure: To my knowledge, I have never slept with Barbara Walters. Or, for that matter, Edward Brook.)<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.usariem.army.mil/DEPIMAG/SNAKE.GIF"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://www.usariem.army.mil/DEPIMAG/SNAKE.GIF" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />Fat Chance of getting Babs to shut up about this. She is slated to babble on about her dalliance on—where else—Oprah. As if the meeting of the two Top Doyennes of television femaledum wasn’t enough, she‘ll talk about the affair there, and if time permits, jump on Oprah’s couch.<br /> <span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><br />And this is the gift that keeps on giving. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beelzebub">Geraldo </a>has slithered out from the rock under which he hides to announce he really really wanted to nail Babs his own self, and shock of shocks, she turned him down.<br /><br />Geraldo then theorized in that racially sensitive way he has that the shootdown was due to “Once you’ve been back, you never go back.” Not to be outdone, the current occupant of the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Methuselah">Joan Rivers</a> Chair of Cosmetic Reconstruction at UCLA, <a href="http://www.canada.com/montrealgazette/news/arts/story.html?id=679ca2a9-246d-40b1-b38c-f53e22726541">Cher</a>, announced that she once nailed <a href="http://www.canada.com/montrealgazette/news/arts/story.html?id=679ca2a9-246d-40b1-b38c-f53e22726541">Tom Cruise.</a> Cruise, of course, also is appearing on Oprah, not to deny dalliances with strange women—he has a enough trouble convincing people he even dallies with Katie--but to claim he’s not really wacky as a Loon. Uh-huh.<br /><br />Then the new Governor of New York, David Patterson, announced the only reason he released his laundry list of illicit affairs was because he thought someone was about to out him on the matter. I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when he ‘splained that to the Missus.<br /><br />I know I’m a voice crying in the Wilderness here, but enough, already. I’m no prude. I don’t poopoo Barbara or Cher or the Gov’s dalliances; nor do I condone them. Just, for God’ sake, shut up about it. The world is going to Hell in a Handbasket and when not discussing Obama’s Preacher, all the media can concern itself with is who was porking who decades ago in Senor Village.<br /><br />I guess insecurity plus the years ticking by are not good for one’s sense of self-esteem, no matter the accomplishment to date or the quality of facial reconstruction. But, sadly, it appears Pallaver, Blather, Gossip and Glop have just become the new Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7797000824067598112.post-19891006293057475562008-04-29T15:22:00.000-07:002008-04-29T15:56:38.172-07:00Kicking Obama Where It Hurts<span lang="0" style="font-family:Lucida Grande;font-size:85%;color:#000000;">If we are a Nation that still sticks up for the underdog, <a href="http://www.barackobama.com/">Barack Obama</a> may well be the next President of the United States<br /><br />If our sense of Fair Play can overcome our innate, inbred, bubbling-below-the-surface fear of black people, Senator Obama is the next President of the United States.<br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.foxnews.com/images/312103/1_61_obama_wright.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://www.foxnews.com/images/312103/1_61_obama_wright.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span lang="0" style="font-family:Lucida Grande;font-size:85%;color:#000000;">If we, as a nation, have come to realize that much of the Media no longer cares about what is right or wrong, what is responsible or irresponsible, but just what is profitable, and we ignore that Media, Obama is a shoo-in.<br /><br />If we realize that <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Megalomania">Ralph Nader</a> <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Megalomania">and Reverend Wright</a> were once good and honest men who worked for the well-being of their people and the country, but have since been seduced by the Dark Side’s Bitch Goddess of Megalomania and must be ignored, Obama can start writing his inaugural address now.<br /><br />If voters understand that there is something intrinsically wrong with ignoring or joining in with a gang-like pummeling of a single, honorable person by his Republican opponent, his Democratic opponent, his Pastor, <a href="http://www.fauxnewschannel.com/">Fox News</a>, and most of the rest of the Media is so very, very wrong, the Senator can reserve a lane at the White House bowling alley now.<br /><br />If American citizens realize this Nation cannot go on like this, cannot continue electing its officials as a result of manipulation by Spin Machines and Professional propagandists, Barack Obama can get fitted for his</span><span lang="0" style="font-family:Lucida Grande;font-size:85%;color:#000000;"> Top Hat and Tails.<br /><br />The optimist in me feels this could happen. The cynic, the pessimist, the pragmatist and the historian within me don’t hold out much hope.<br /><br />A Black man hasn’t had a beatdown like this since Rodney King stopped driving. And racist cops got nothing on Fox News or a once honorable Dragon Lady who now won’t allow the Will of the People to stand up to her Ego.</span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://ivogretener.net/media/paintings/black_white/rodney.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 200px;" src="http://ivogretener.net/media/paintings/black_white/rodney.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span lang="0" style="font-family:Lucida Grande;font-size:85%;color:#000000;"><br />An argument can even be made that Ms. Clinton has known whereof she speaks. The Senator form new York may know that Bar</span><span lang="0" style="font-family:Lucida Grande;font-size:85%;color:#000000;">ack is unelectable <span style="font-style: italic;">because</span> of her unconscionable behavior designed to make him unelectable. This is not a stupid woman. She undestand the concept of Self-fulfilling prophecies.<br /><br />Ms. Clinton, with whose policies I’ve largely </span><span lang="0" style="font-family:Lucida Grande;font-size:85%;color:#000000;">been</span><span lang="0" style="font-family:Lucida Grande;font-size:85%;color:#000000;"> in accord, has nonetheless proven that there are few if any depths to which she will not sink in this campaign. She may not have reinvented Rovian strategery, but she’s emulated it. Senator Clinton may well </span><span lang="0" style="font-family:Lucida Grande;font-size:85%;color:#000000;">stop Senator Obama from becoming the Next President of the United States</span><span lang="0" style="font-family:Lucida Grande;font-size:85%;color:#000000;"> and earn her Pyrrhic victory and .<br /><br />Why Pyrrhic? Ms. Clinton has been so dishonest and so disingenuous that I truly wish her the worst fate I can imagine—stealing the nomination from Senator Obama. This would essentially end her political Presidential aspirations. Getting the nomination now is a task achievable only by driving away so many Democratic voters she cannot win the general election. Well, unless John McCain makes <a href="http://www.blogger.com/The%20Great%20Pumpkin">The Great Pumpkin</a> his running mate.<br /><br />As for The Reverend Jeremiah Wright. It has not been a good time for Men of the Cloth, and he isn't helping. No matter his intention--whether a delusional belief that he is doing African-Americans good by his actions, or intentionally <span style="font-style: italic;">not</span> turning the other cheek to smite his former Parishener--the effect is singular. His is the behavior of a a man thoroughly in the grip of Megalomania. He isn't even a tragic figure--just a sadly comic one. His legacy, whether he helps Hillary haul down Obama or not--will be pathetic, a series of YouTube videos, ranging from an angry madman to a Post-Modernist <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0275297/">Stepin Fetchit</a>.<br /><br />One can't be sure what he was going for. But what he has become is a punch line.<br /><br /><br /><br /></span>John Corcoran, Jr.http://www.blogger.com/profile/11018755412201155640noreply@blogger.com0