The following report from the Republican National Committee's Social Secretary updates Attendance Plans of VIPs at the GOP Convention.
*Arnold Schwarzenegger will NOT attend because of the California budget crisis which he said is growing "like a Toooooomuh."
*President George W. Bush will NOT attend the GOP convention because of Hurricane Gustav. (Updates earlier excuse that he'd be "too busy clearing brush at the ranch.")
*Vice President Dick Cheney will NOT attend. He's in Florida trying to blow hurricanes out of the sky with Double Ought buckshot.
*Speaking of which, Sen. Larry Craig has yet to RSVP. He may be stalling. (Sorry-Pesky)
*Benito Mussolini will NOT attend because he feels the Irony would be too obvious.
*Generalissimo Francisco Franco will NOT attend because he is still dead.
*Idi Amin Dada. Ditto.
*Gov. Sarah Pallin will attend if she can find an adoreable set of Go-Go boots to wear during her Snappy Spoon Number, reprised from the Miss Alaska Pageant.
*Sen. John Edwards will attend, but only if Sarah Pallin does.
*Presumptive Nominee John McCain will attend if he can find his flip-flops, shoo them little bastards off his lawn, and find out just what the Hell "presumptive" means.
*Cindy McCain called to remind everyone Alaska is still near Russia and to ask if New Orleans is still near St. Paul.
*St. Paul will NOT attend because he is a Democrat.
And last and certainly least....
*Former FEMA Head, "Heck of a Job" Brownie will not attend because he is busy as an on-air disaster expert for MSNBC. (Not making that up. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.)
