Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Hopalong Hillary: Packin' the Heat

The revelation that Hillary Rodham Clinton learned to hunt at the knee of her Granddaddy is not only one of her many warm and treasured memories of deadly weaponry, but overly modest by half. As many know, Senator Clinton reluctantly admitted to her early firearms training after her Democratic opponent, Barack Obama’s snarky comments about guns and the fine people who own and shoot them.

While Ms. Clinton recounted how much she delighted in turning bunnies and ducks and all God’s creatures great and small into pulverized blobs of blood, fur, and feathers, the Presidential nominee humbly neglected to acknowledge her many other contributions to the art and science of gunplay.

For instance, as a child of three, young Hillary drew up plans for what would later become the modern day Gattling gun, the machine gun used in most current US attack aircraft.

“Make the spinning barrels go round n’ round” she told then Air Force Chief of Staff Curtis LeMay, inspiring the general to adapt the weapon, first used in the Civil War, to modern day aviation. Today the seven barrel 30mm GAU-8/A Gatling gun can fire 3,900 rounds a minute and is effectively used in A-10 Warthog tank killers.

There are more NRA Hall of Fame achievements Ms. Clinton has modestly advoided admitting to until recently. For instance, Clinton still holds the Pennsylvania state record for largest bear ever bagged, a 7 foot 3 inch, 1162-pound Grizzly she brought down at age six with a single shot from her Lady Derringer. And while the animal was not shot during hunting season, the record is still considered official as Ms. Clinton plinked the varmit as it menaced a schoolyard filled with tasty third graders.

At age 20, between semesters at Wellesley College, Ms. Clinton appeared on Broadway in the title role in “Annie Get Your Gun,” winning a Tony for her performance.

At age 23, while on tour with the late singer Johnny Cash, she shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Charges were later dropped.

When her husband, Bill, failed to join the military during the Vietnam era, Ms. Clinton helped him compensate by teaching him the military ditty, “This is my rifle, this is my gun, this is for shooting, this is for fun.” (A decision she admits regretting with all her heart and soul.)

Few of these accomplishments were known publicly until Senator Obama--who has repeatedly stated that cancelling the Second Amendment is his first priority upon assuming office--made his recent gun gaffe.

In one instance, National Security prevented Ms. Clinton from not lying. She said she “had to bite my lip” during the recent confusion over her “arrival under fire” in Bosnia. Both her and former President Clinton’s “explanations” were created from whole cloth because the truth was "highly classified" until now.

The night before her “official” arrival, Ms. Clinton infiltrated the area with an Army Sniper team, and spent the ensuing 24 hours clearing the area of enemy sharpshooters. Ms. Clinton single-handedly bagged 37 enemy gunmen and gunwomen, using only 36 rounds. Highlight of the operation, Miss Clinton stated in the afteraction report, was nailing a husband and wife sniper team with a single bullet. This was the very team tasked with killing the adorable child scheduled to give Hillary the flowers.

Also, Hillary invented dum-dum bullets.

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