Pesky Open Letter to The Clintons

Dear Mr. Former President Clinton:

Stop it. Just stop it.

You’re turning into Ralph Nader and I don’t like it. Not one damn bit. I can’t afford to have another Political Hero self-flushed down the porcelain conveyance. Yeah, I know. “Political Hero”is as close to being an Oxymoron as one can get these days…

But Mr. President, you’re the guy we pointed to when people said, okay who would be better than Bush? You’re the guy who managed the deficit, whose administration takes the wind out of the sails of the current crew when they trickle down all over themselves.

You ran such an efficient and reasonable Presidency, the only real argument they have against you is the fact you couldn’t keep your Johnson properly housed. I’ll take an Oval Office Hummer over an Endless War eight days a week and twice on Monica. To paraphrase Lincoln’s line about General Grant and booze, send a squad of interns out to service other politicians. Or give the job to Eliot Spitzer. He’s available.

You weren’t a perfect President. You did embarrass the office with the Monica thing, and NAFTA was something more in tune with Republican thinking. But as presidents go last century, you done good. Leave us our memories. We know you feel obliged to get the Missus elected, but this isn’t the way.

You’re whip smart, Mr. President, but you already know that. Obviously, you’re ten times smarter than the guy who said he wanted to put food on his family. But your smarts are a double-edge sword. We don’t buy it when you say you misspoke or forgot to mention Obama is a patriot, or claim your wife’s dirty campaign is really good for the Dems because it toughens up Obama.

You know and I know what Hillary and you and your hired guns have been doing lately has the stink of desperation on it. And it only benefits John McCain. While you and your lady have sniped at a fellow Dem, McCain has run with the opportunity to rise above the pettiness and—dare I say it—look Presidential.

Maureen Dowd and others say you and Hill are intentionally sinking the Dems chances so McCain can serve out Bush’s third term, and Hillary can run again in 2012. If so, it makes the Republican Swiftboating of Senator Kerry in 2004 look like a Swan Boat ride in the Public Garden by comparison. It’s like torpedoing your own fleet before a battle, in hopes of rebuilding it for the next one.

Keep it up and you and Hillary will guarantee at least four more years of Republican rule. That would mean four more years of Americans dying in Iraq (and perhaps Iran), four more years of a ruinous economic plan, and scarier yet, two or more Republican Supreme Court justices.

And yes, I know Senator Obama and his people aren’t pure as the driven snow either. But most people perceive his behaviors as a response to your escalating personal attacks, not a response, not an opening shot. Dirty politics.

You’ve served your country for most of your professional life. It needs you more than ever. Instead of assuring more Republican misery, we need the Clintons to join with the one person who can beat John McCain.

Pesky Pseudo Psychic Prize Goes to: AEI

This week's Pesky Pseudo Psychic Prize Goes to Fred Kagan of the American Enterprise Institute. On Monday, Fred, whose chins are listed in the Guinness Book of World Records, told the Iraq Planning Group's Phase IV Conference in Washington, DC:

“The first thing I want to say is that: The Civil War in Iraq is over. And until the American domestic political debate catches up with that fact, we are going to have a very hard time discussing Iraq on the basis of reality. I’d now like to invite all of you to join me for some lovely chocolate gumdrops left me by the Easter Bunny.”

Okay, I made up the part about the Easter Bunny. But in case you've been hiding under a rock, or writing policy for the Bush administration, or both, less than 24 hours after this Right Wing Think Tank Bozo’s comments, McClatchy News Service reported:

"With Iraq's top leaders directing the battle, Iraq's army and national police pressed a major operation Tuesday to wrest control of the southern port city of Basra from the Shiite Mahdi Army militia. Fighting between government forces and the militia quickly spread through Iraq's south and into Baghdad."

As of this writing, Baghdad is in lockdown, the Green Zone is under rocket attacks that have led to the death of two Americans and two of the Vice President’s guards. (No, not our Veep, their Veep).

As our winnner, Fred receives an historical, autographed photo of John McCain strolling through that Baghdad marketplace with 100 of his closest, armed-to-the-teeth, friends.

For more information on the AEI and some of their other similiarly well-researched policy studies, click here, here and here.

PESKY OPEN LETTER: What the Hell's Wrong with MSNBC?

To paraphrase the late humorist Fred Allen, you could put all I know about the Economy in a flea’s navel and still have room left over for three caraway seeds and an agent’s heart.

So I was watching Senator Obama’s speech on the Economy today with a combination of bewilderment and fascination. While what I heard made sense, I suspect what will linger long after speech was the memorable catch phrase he uttered about Sen. McCain, who he said was running for George Bush’s third term as President. As the economic mess and Mesopotamia mess vie to see who’s going to Hell faster, Obama’s effort to associate Granpa with the people responsible for both disasters makes sense.

Before his speech had even ended, McCain had issued a statement accusing Obama of the crime of Liberalism, and MSNBC, which was carrying the speech live, cut away. Why? To get back to what they do best—turn presidential politics into a Hybrid circus--half Dancing with the Stars, half Maury! (Seems they had some more dirt on Reverend Wright that just could not wait.)

What in the high holy Hell is wrong with you MSNBC? Aside from your one bright shining star—Keith Olbermann—the rest of your programming is bad and getting worse.

Dumping the Tuckster was a good idea, but replacing him with Journalist turned Karl Rove Backup dancer David Gregory? I don’t watch the new show much because every time I tune in I see tiny boxes filled with talking heads, one of whom is always Pat Buchanon. And Pat Buchanon makes my dog yak up her Alpo.

And the one thing the 24/7s don’t need are more hours devoted just to politics. (And almost exclusively presidential politics, at that. Had MSNBC dumped out of Obama for updates on the latest post Surge resurgence of violence in Iraq, I could understand. But MSNBC is so far behind the power curve in Iraq, I had to tune over to Fox News—FOX!—to get a live update from that beleaguered nation. They had some Scotsman named MacDonald reporting live. Yes, American TV is now outsourcing it’s war coverage.

Meanwhile, two Americans have been killed by recent shelling in Baghdad’s Green Zone. (as of 3 PM PDT) The U.S. Military blames Iranian-backed Shiite Militiamen. George Bush blames Congress. John McCain blames Mongol Insurgents, trained by al Qaeda in Philadelphia. The Mainstream media has bought the Administration line of hooey that the Surge has worked so it may take them a while to realize it hasn’t.

Pesky Letter: The Bush Who Cried Wolf

A Pesky Letter to Michael Mukasey

Dear Attorney General Mukasey:

Imagine how surprised I was to read that you were “surprised at how surprised” you are at all that Terror that’s out there just waiting to kill us. You continued that "It's surprising how varied [the threat] is, how many directions it comes from, how geographically spread out it is.”

And whattaya know, you said all this right when the President of the Newnitted States is trying to ram an anti-Privacy Bill down willing beaks of Congress and the American people.

The beauty part is how you delivered your warning. Mikey. (May I call you Mikey? “Mr. Attorney General” sounds too formal for someone trying to make us crap our pants.) Anyway, CNN said you made the comment while “at an informal meeting” with reporters in your office.

Well, we all know how much the Bush administration likes to dish with members of the 4th Estate. No subterfuge there, certainly. Your timing was beautiful, too. It was a shot sent across the bow of U.S. American Christians just as they’re getting ready to celebrate Easter. Not so fast, Good Christians, you implied. There’s godless terror extant. Evildoers everywhere are making ready to bite the head off Peter Cottontail and poop in your Easter baskets.

“Details! Give us details and specifics,” the insider reporters most certainly shouted. No neophytes they, these are people who cut their journalistic Eye Teeth on the balderdash of Brittney, the prevarications of Paris, the fabrications of Federline.

“No you dih-uhnt,” you responded. You refused to offer details, specifics or Data. You let their imaginations stew along with their perceived status of insider privilege to great effect. This wasn’t some official pronouncement to get lost in the news clutter of a holiday weekend. No this was Scoop stuff—sure to be breathlessly reported.

And so, Mikey, you got to me. I’m sitting here with a clenched knot in my stomach, fearful that I’m gonna die, knowing as sure as Martha has Vandellas, there’s nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide.

There’s just one teensy, tiny little thing.

I don’t believe you.

Oh it’s not you, Mikey. You haven’t been in office long enough to build my distrust. It’s that guy you work for. He’s a—what’s the Euphemism for it?—oh, the hell with it, lets call a Spade a Spade—he’s a liar. How do we know when Bush is lying? When his lips move. (Okay, that’s not a new joke, but then Bush has been lying for a long, long time.)

It hasn’t taken you long to come up to speed with the way they do things in your boss’s administration, Mikey. After all, the President and his Crew are past masters at terrorizing the people they were elected to serve. They’ve been warning us that we’re all gonna die if we don’t do exactly what they tell us to do for quite some time now. As you know, the current focus is on a little piece of legislation called the FISA Bill.

Congress, under the delusion they were elected to govern the American populace too, want to have something to say about FISA. Some Americans even suspect our elected representatives are actually getting up on their hind legs and saying, “Hey, we’re part of the Constitutional process, too, Mr. President, I mean Sir, er, that is, Your Majesty….”

No Mikey, you are just the latest Bush surrogate being used to put the American citizenry in our place, said place being ducking, covering, and cringing under our desks. You have reached into the darkest corners our scared little psyches and addressed our reptilian brains directly. Your message is as clear as the Good Terminator’s warning to Sarah Connor: “Come (along) with me if you want to live.”

The tragedy of all this is there is Terror out there. There are plenty of bad guys who wish us ill. Some hate us because they are truly Evildoers; others hate us because they’ve been driven to it by the behaviors of the Bush Administration.

And if we let our guard down, it’s not because the American people, or Liberals, or those who oppose the President don’t have the backbone to stand up to the real terrorists. It’s because we’ve become deafened by Bush’s incessant plays upon our fears, offered not as fair warning, but to feed the President’s urge to consolidate his own power, and excuse his past behavior.

And as sure as I know that any future terrorist action will be blamed on anyone who stood up to Bush’s Politics of Terrorism, that’s how sure I am that the real blame falls on the Bush who cried Wolf.

Eli Stone Wins Psychic Shaker Pesky Prize

Maybe he IS Psychic. regardles, the first ever Prestidigitator Pesky Prize (#5) goes to the writers, actors, executive producers and staff psychics of the ABC program “Eli Stone.” The topic of their March 20th episode was their protagonist, Eli Stone, sensing a message from God that an earthquake would hit the San Francisco Bay area immediately.

Hey, it’s a fictional program. It was conceived, written and shot weeks or months ago. Yet starting less than three hours before the program aired, and continuing until a few hours after it ended, a series of 20 non-fiction Earthquakes, called a “swarm,” really hit in the East Bay area near San Francisco.

Pesky Prize # 4 Hail Britannia

Okay, maybe we aren't as dumb as we look. Turns out our little tagalong Coalition of the Willing partners may be stupider than we US Americans.

Hence, today’s Pesky Prize (#4) goes to one out of three English Kidlets. According to a survey in the Daily Telegraph taken between molar extractions, one-third of English youngsters surveyed think Sir Winston Churchill was the first man to walk on the Moon.

Idiots! Everyone knows Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the Moon. Churchill was second.

Open Letter to a Wartime President

Dear Mr. “Wartime” President:

Congratulations on completing your fifth year of stewardship over the war in Iraq. Or as John McCain might put it, five years down, only 95 more to go. From reading your comments over the years, I know you believe History will judge your adventure kindly. And there’s a reasonable explanation for that. You’re delusional.

But rather than discuss your Legacy, or how survivors will judge you in the future, let’s discuss the impact of your time in office on present day America, shall we?

In a sense, your Presidency started in a preschool classroom September 1l, 2001, where you sat crouched behind a children’s book for a quarter of an hour as the Nation you professed to love was under attack by the Evildoers you profess to hate. You said you stayed “for the kids,” not wanting to upset them. There’s an explanation for that, too. You have never, ever, not even once admitted you’ve made a mistake, misjudgment, or bad call.

Despite that scared little boy expression on your face, you say it wasn’t fear that kept you there. But it’s not like you have a rep for bravery. When given an opportunity to get some combat use out of that expensive fighter-pilot training taxpayers paid for, you chose to run away from serving in Vietnam. You quit as a pilot, and then you disappeared from the National Guard unit your Daddy got you into. Years later, you would lament that you could not join the men and women you sent to fight and die overseas 30 years later on what you called a “romantic” quest. And yes, there’s even an explanation for that. You are shameless.

But that’s the past. Let’s talk about today, a point in time before “History” has a chance to reflect on your years as President. Mr. President, We the People are in a miserable mess.

You didn’t invent dirty campaigning, but you, and your gutter slime advisors, have raised it to an art form. No one trusts you any more. If space aliens landed on the White House lawn, or Russia put missiles in Cuba again, no one would believe your warnings.

This very day, the mid-West is taking a historic weather pounding and is flooding again, while the Southwest and Southeast continue to suffer from record drought. Oh, sure, can’t blame you for all Acts of God, but you’ve denied the Big Guy any help at all keeping the planet habitable. Your denial Global Climate change has battered this country and and lead to anti-American feeling around the world.

You have squandered a Trillion dollars in Iraq, billions of which just got misplaced along the way. You have killed almost 4,000 Americans there. You have sent them to war in inadequate equipment, and when the good stuff got there, it got chewed up with overuse.

You have brought untold misery on soldiers forced to serve multiple tours, and vets mistreated when they returned to the military hospitals you under funded. You have cut their benefits.

You have gutted the middle class, ignored the poor. Even some of the ultra rich, who you coddled with tax breaks, have suffered under your stewardship. A receding tide strands all boats.

You have mortgaged America’s future. You inherited an economy that ran without a deficit and built the greatest deficit in American history, a yoke around the neck of America’s children’s children’s children.

You’ve overseen jobs fleeing overseas. You’ve watched the dollar fall to historic lows. You have presided over the collapse of the housing market. You’ve failed to protect us form poisoned and defective imports. Because of you and your war and your tax cuts, there is no money to rebuild a collapsing infrastructure. Your own party’s convention will have to detour around a collapsed bridge outside of Minneapolis-St. Paul.

You fiddled while New Orleans drowned, and have done nothing to restore that city to its former greatness.

You have built an inept homeland security system. At airports we are protected from smuggled baby formula and those with more than three ounces of shampoo, but test after test have shown the system’s inefficiency in things that matter. You would have allowed the security of our ports to be outsourced.

You have chewed huge chunks out of American’s Rights to Privacy, and the Constitution is under assault as never before. You have politicized the Justice Department, caused many Americans to distrust that lynchpin of democracy, the honesty of our voting procedures.

By putting yourself above the law, by your dirty campaigns, with your mangling of simple English and by your shameless lies, you have done more to cause Americans to lose faith in their Government than even Nixon could ver dream of obtaining.

There is less than a year left of your misbegotten Presidency, a fact many citizens remember by wearing or carry reminders (1-20-09) of the day our long National Nightmare will officially end. Sadly, the damage will not conclude on that day. You have proven the adage that the evil men do lives long after them—especially when they get to make Supreme Court appointments.

Even more worrisome, there’s still time for it to get worse under you. Your ruined economy may yet collapse entirely. With the latest in a long line of skilled military men forced out of their jobs for daring to disagree with you, you’ve assured that War with Iran is still in play. The Taliban is back. Your fabled Surge is sagging in Iraq. The man who you couldn’t find, Osama bin Laden may yet row unmolested up the Hudson on an amphibious suitcase nukecanoe.

So we’re still watching you. And it won’t take History for most of us to know this is no Ship of State you captain, but a leaking Swiftboat of Fools.