Mr Bumbles & Ms Alaska Keep Us Laughing

And you thought it was Republican Comedy Week last week? Turns out John McCain's visit to David Letterman and Sarah Palin's stop by Saturday Night Live were just warm up acts. Now he Dems are laughing. The GOP? Not so much.

First there was Sen. John McCain, the man accused of supporting Bush's policies 90% of the time. Turns out, he's also following in W's foot-in-mouth steps in another critical area. "Bushisms," meet "McCainisms." The latest example was a dilly as he tried to attack his opponent. Said McCain:

"You know, I think you may have noticed that Senator Obama's supporters have been saying some pretty nasty things about Western Pennsylvania lately," McCain told an audience in a town called Moon, in Western Pennsylvania, eliciting boos and catcalls. "And you know, I couldn't agree with them more," he aded, eliciting blank stares and pangs of regret. (Clip on Youtube)

The man who can't tell a Sunni from a Shia was joined in the Kavalcade of Komedy by Bozo the Beauty Queen, his running mate.

Gov. Sarah Palin is the vice presidential nominee of the party which once criticized then democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards for getting $400 haircuts. Sarah Palin is the vice presidential nominee of the party that has accused Sen. Barack Obama of being an “Elitist.”

We may not know what it costs to put lipstick on a pig, but we now know what it costs to dress up and make up a vice presidential candidate--$150,000. Of that, about $4,000 was just for her hair.

In fairness, it should be noted not all of the 150 Large went to Palin herself. Some helped beautify her hubby, Mr. Sarah Palin, and her infant son. Hey, you can't expect the kid to campaign in non-designer Diapers, can you? Well, as McCain might say when asked about diapers, “Depends.”

Whether you find this financial outlay funny or tragic probably depends on your sense of humor during the greatest economic crisis since the Depression. But even the financially devastated might find McCain spokesman Tracey Schmitt's explanation of the expense funny in an absurdist sort of way.

"It was always the intent that the clothing go to a charitable purpose after the campaign."

Of course. Lord knows there are oodles of poor people in dire need of Saks Fifth Avenue campaign clothes or a stunning cocktail dress perfect for milady's GOP fundraiser.

Quite the week for Ms. Palin. On Monday, she answered a third grader's written question on live TV by claiming the vice president of the United States "is in charge of the Senate." Personally, I cut her some slack. The woman is busy gazing toward Russia watching for Putin's enormo-head to pop up in our Airspace. She can't be expected to know a lil' document called the Constitution notes: "The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no vote, unless they be equally divided."

Palin's SNL appearance was scripted, of course, made up by talented writers. But this stuff, this week? You can't make up stuff like that.

And that's funny.

This I Know: 20 October 2008

I feel guilty laughing at the comedic ageism directed at John McCain. Not enough to vote for the old geezer, but guilty nonetheless.

Every time an anchor at the end of a local newscast says “we know you have many choices for news, we thank you for choosing ours,” I want to shout, “No, we don’t. All local news is run for profit using the same consultants and is exactly the same!” But I don’t because it might scare the neighbors who already think I’m weird.

I know advertising “geniuses” have decided that animated spokes-animals in commercials should speak with a foreign accent. I do not believe Geckos can talk, but I believe if they could talk they would not have British accents. I think the only Geckos in Britain are kept in cages, just like the Royal Family.

Geico has two commercial themes. The other is “The Cavemen.” If you bought your insurance because you were convinced to do so by a Gecko with a British accent or a Caveman, you are a moron.

I know those “talking” computers you get on the phone when you seek service from a company make life miserable for the humans you eventually reach. That’s because people are usually livid at being forced to talk to idiotic technology for ten minutes before they get a human. So, “Kathy” at DirectTV? Sorry.

Twenty-nine years ago, on October 22, Andrew S. Corcoran entered the world, and made it a better place by his presence.

Levi Stubbs had one of the best voices in rock and roll history. So did Tony Williams. But you probably don’t know who they were because they were the lead singers of groups, and not solo stars. I know Williams led The Platters and Stubbs was lead singer for the Four Tops. Stubbs was also the singing voice of Audrey, the plant from outer space in “Little Shop of Horrors.”

I know plants can’t sing, either. At least Audrey didn’t try to sing with a British accent. If they remake the movie again, I recommend that instead of human blood, Seymour feeds Audrey The Cavemen and the talking Gecko.

I know a local source for uncut Atomic Fire Balls—the only hot (spicy) food I like. I had my first one in eighth grade. A Boston hoodlum at my school handed me one and demanded I try it. “Take it out of your mouth and you have to pay me for it.” I didn’t have a penny on me, so I didn’t and I’ve loved them ever since.

If I were young and gas was plentiful and there wasn’t Global Climate Change, I’d own me one of them Toyota’s FJ Cruiser SUV deals, just because it looks so damn cool.

If I were young and gas wasn’t running out and there wasn’t Global Climate Change, I might fetch me one of them Mini-Cooper convertibles because it looks so damn cool. (And gets very good mileage.

Ah hell, if I were young I’d have to work for a living and wouldn’t have time for silly musings on a blog nobody reads. But I’d be rollin’ to work in a damn cool ride….

GOP Convention Update #31

The following report from the Republican National Committee's Social Secretary updates Attendance Plans of VIPs at the GOP Convention.

*Arnold Schwarzenegger will NOT attend because of the California budget crisis which he said is growing "like a Toooooomuh."

*President George W. Bush will NOT attend the GOP convention because of Hurricane Gustav. (Updates earlier excuse that he'd be "too busy clearing brush at the ranch.")

*Vice President Dick Cheney will NOT attend. He's in Florida trying to blow hurricanes out of the sky with Double Ought buckshot.

*Speaking of which, Sen. Larry Craig has yet to RSVP. He may be stalling. (Sorry-Pesky)

*Benito Mussolini will NOT attend because he feels the Irony would be too obvious.

*Generalissimo Francisco Franco will NOT attend because he is still dead.

*Idi Amin Dada. Ditto.

*Gov. Sarah Pallin will attend if she can find an adoreable set of Go-Go boots to wear during her Snappy Spoon Number, reprised from the Miss Alaska Pageant.

*Sen. John Edwards will attend, but only if Sarah Pallin does.

*Presumptive Nominee John McCain will attend if he can find his flip-flops, shoo them little bastards off his lawn, and find out just what the Hell "presumptive" means.

*Cindy McCain called to remind everyone Alaska is still near Russia and to ask if New Orleans is still near St. Paul.

*St. Paul will NOT attend because he is a Democrat.

And last and certainly least....

*Former FEMA Head, "Heck of a Job" Brownie will not attend because he is busy as an on-air disaster expert for MSNBC. (Not making that up. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.)