This I Know: 1 October 2008

Mort Sahl

I don't believe under any circumstances, that the GOP deserves another turn in the White House. I also believe that humorist Mort Sahl's classic political joke, which he updates every four years, applies now, more than ever.

MORT SAHL’S JOKE: "Back when this country was starting out, we had men like Washington and Adams and Jefferson as President. Now, 230 years later, we end up with McCain versus Obama. Do you know what that means? It means Darwin was wrong!

Babies, when given the choice, will choose candy over Brussels Sprouts every time. So will sane adults. This explains the Mortgage Crisis

If he was white and named Barry O'Bama, he'd have a 30 point lead.

Paul Newman should be seriously considered for Sainthood. He raised as much for the poor, was a better racer, and a much better actor than Mother Theresa.

Bill Maher best described Libertarians when he called them Republicans who like pussy and dope.

I don't trust anyone on Wall Street, even the guy driving the sweeper.

Regulation isn't enough--Enforcement is the key. I know this because years ago my wife worked for the enforcement division of NASDAQ. She spent many a day tracking down and collecting evidence about insider trading abuses and other forms of corruption. Trouble was, nothing was ever done about it.

“The Mentalist,” besides being a humorless rip-off of USA Networks’ “Psych” really doesn’t have its act together. Is he a psychic? Just smart? Intuitive? A smartass?

Former favorites running low on fuel include “Boston Legal” and “Entourage.” Ricky Gervais and Larry David may be considered very smart for abandoning their shows before audiences did.

I think Nancy Pelosi was dumb as mud to go rub it in to the Republicans on the Floor before the vote. It was a thoughtless and petty thing to do, and knowing that the Republican leadership was equally thoughtless and petty, she should have predicted their vindictive reaction.

This nation has never been so divided since the Civil War. If Vietnam was a family squabble, this is the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s. Okay maybe the Pepsi/Coke cola wars were also more divisive.

The Media is a lost cause. The ONLY newscast worth watching every single night is “The Daily Show.”

I don't have to listen to the Presidential Debates, I already know who I'm voting against.

We may be past the tipping point in the Environment. Methane Gas will kill us--well not us, but the next generation.

If someone shaves Dick Cheney and Rupert Murdock's heads, post mortem, they will find a "666" carved in their skulls. If someone shaves their heads pre-mortem, he or she is my new hero.

While Hollywood continually remakes movies and TV shows that have no business being remade—Top Gun is the latest—no one ever remakes the most prescient episode of a TV series every filmed. That’s the Twilight Zone’s “The Monsters Are due on Maple Street.” Nailed it.

I'd say the odds of Bush stopping the election are roughly 50-50.

The Redskins--if by some miracle stay healthy--have a legitimate shot of making the Superbowl. That, however, is unlikely as they are very very thin at several key positions.

If I were a betting man, I'd bet Springsteen sings the following three numbers at the Superbowl: Born to Run, Born in the USA, and Glory Days. For his encore, I’m thinking Rosie Clooney’s Come onna My House or Bess You Is My Woman from Gershwin’s “Porgie and Bess.”

I’d also bet at least 500 people will wonder, "What's that Sopranos guy and Conan's drummer doing in Bruce’s band?"

If Sarah Palin made it to the Miss America finals, she would have been tripped up and eliminated when Bert Parks asked her "What do you think is the most important aspect of international diplomacy?" and replied, "Good sight lines into enemy territory."

There is a product you can order from an Infomercial, or buy at Bed Bath & Beyond, which you epoxy to the bottom of your feet at night. In the morning, the product claims to have sucked out all the bad stuff in your system. It costs only $19.95 for a lifetime supply and is aimed at people who think they are too smart to fall for that Nigerian Diplomat Scam.

With the single exception of Richard Nixon, who resigned before he was impeached, no one has finished his term as President with a better “worst President ever” finishing kick than George W. Bush.

Barack Obama should announce that Bill Clinton will head up a special task force, appointed the day of his inauguration, whose task it is to rebalance the budget again, and that if he does so, Bill’s reward is Obama will appoint Hillary Ambassador at Large, a gig that involves constant overseas travel.

Why would anyone waste any of the precious time we are given on Earth watching Warren Sapp dance?

Numbed Down as Well as Dumbed Down?

Is irony dead?

Or did I just imagine George W. Bush lectured the Myanmar Junta how to properly run their disaster?

Sure, those Myanmaniacs have gotten some 50,000-100,000 citizens killed with the help of a Typhoon--and Bush’s work in New Orleans pales in comparison--but doesn’t anyone get the essential absurdity of it all?

What does Bush want from Myanmar, a country he calls Burma in that cute way he still calls the Democratic Party the "Democrat Party"? Does he want Flyover rights? Does he Jones for a new photo op of him gazing longingly down from 35,000 feet over a tragedy he couldn’t be bothered to drop in on?

Or is Dubya hoping for a Burmese ice license, the better to load up and ship hundreds of tons of frozen water where it isn’t needed while ignoring where it is needed? (For this tragedy, may we suggest sending the ice to Iceland?)

Could Bush be looking for a new parking lot for the tens of thousands of trailers which never reached the people they were intended for?

Or maybe Bush just wants to don his Mr. Snugglecrotch flight suit again, land on a carrier and declare another Mission Accomplished?

And while the body count in Myanmar and N.O. don’t match up, let us not misunderestimate Bush’s Skilz as a Master of Disaster. Throw in the grotesquerie that is Iraq and Bush's body count rises significantly. Tote up dead Americans in Iraq and New Orleans plus dead Iraqis and it will likely sweep past the Burma Shave body count.

Yeah, I get it. The dudes running Myanmar are worse people than Bush, Cheney and Rummy combined. Certainly we can all agree Americans are generous to a fault when it comes to responding to international disasters. But if Dubya appointed “Heckuva Job” Brownie to run the show, would that shock us? Or are we Americans numbed down as well as dumbed down?

And another thing: What’s with Bush sending the Missus out as his Point Man? You don’t suppose he saw how Clinton put his Little Woman onstage to try to continue his dynasty and so Bush thought...Oh, dear God, NOOOOOOOOOO!

Old People have Sex; Tell Oprah

Let me start by noting I have nothing against good cosmetic surgery. Facelifts have been with us for a long time. So has Barbara Walters. It appears the twain have met.

Barbara is a legend. She is the Cal Ripken, Jr. of female TV news personalities. She is head and shoulders above them all, even Oprah, who may be bigger now, but can’t catch her for longevity or trailblazitudeness.

Barbara Walters (l)

How old is La Babs? They say late seventies, and we should all look that good and remain so vital at that age. I doubt, however, we’ll ever know Ms. Walters’ true age for sure without felling her and counting the rings in her legs—and I’m not advocating that--but my guess is she’s actually about 125 years young.

Recently, she appears to have sipped a Jeroboam of bubbly from her own Fountain of Youth. Either that or she’s had some extraordinary work. Babs, you look terrific. Her plastic surgery was so successful she got a frantic call form Priscilla Presley, who asked, “Mmmmm Gffff Mmmjmgh Mgggh?” Huzzah for her Plastique Surgeon. Dude rules.

With the single exception of the experimental Full Body Cap Regis had in December, it’s the finest work I’ve ever seen on a living human. (Full disclosure: After I contracted Bell’s Palsy in 2003, I had plastic surgery on an eye that drooped like dewlaps on a Bloodhound.)

Now the bad news. Apparently, Barbara’s latest rejuvenation has inspired her to announce to the world—maybe as a preemptive pre-outing strike—that she did the nasty last century with a now dead, then married formerly African-American, U.S. American Senator. Not just any dolt, but Sen. Edward Brook of the great State of Massachusetts.

Ooops. This just in! Edward Brook is still alive! No word on whether he wishes he were dead and/or wishes Babs had kept her pie hole closed. (More Full disclosure: To my knowledge, I have never slept with Barbara Walters. Or, for that matter, Edward Brook.)


Fat Chance of getting Babs to shut up about this. She is slated to babble on about her dalliance on—where else—Oprah. As if the meeting of the two Top Doyennes of television femaledum wasn’t enough, she‘ll talk about the affair there, and if time permits, jump on Oprah’s couch.

And this is the gift that keeps on giving. Geraldo has slithered out from the rock under which he hides to announce he really really wanted to nail Babs his own self, and shock of shocks, she turned him down.

Geraldo then theorized in that racially sensitive way he has that the shootdown was due to “Once you’ve been back, you never go back.” Not to be outdone, the current occupant of the Joan Rivers Chair of Cosmetic Reconstruction at UCLA, Cher, announced that she once nailed Tom Cruise. Cruise, of course, also is appearing on Oprah, not to deny dalliances with strange women—he has a enough trouble convincing people he even dallies with Katie--but to claim he’s not really wacky as a Loon. Uh-huh.

Then the new Governor of New York, David Patterson, announced the only reason he released his laundry list of illicit affairs was because he thought someone was about to out him on the matter. I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when he ‘splained that to the Missus.

I know I’m a voice crying in the Wilderness here, but enough, already. I’m no prude. I don’t poopoo Barbara or Cher or the Gov’s dalliances; nor do I condone them. Just, for God’ sake, shut up about it. The world is going to Hell in a Handbasket and when not discussing Obama’s Preacher, all the media can concern itself with is who was porking who decades ago in Senor Village.

I guess insecurity plus the years ticking by are not good for one’s sense of self-esteem, no matter the accomplishment to date or the quality of facial reconstruction. But, sadly, it appears Pallaver, Blather, Gossip and Glop have just become the new Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Kicking Obama Where It Hurts

If we are a Nation that still sticks up for the underdog, Barack Obama may well be the next President of the United States

If our sense of Fair Play can overcome our innate, inbred, bubbling-below-the-surface fear of black people, Senator Obama is the next President of the United States.

If we, as a nation, have come to realize that much of the Media no longer cares about what is right or wrong, what is responsible or irresponsible, but just what is profitable, and we ignore that Media, Obama is a shoo-in.

If we realize that Ralph Nader and Reverend Wright were once good and honest men who worked for the well-being of their people and the country, but have since been seduced by the Dark Side’s Bitch Goddess of Megalomania and must be ignored, Obama can start writing his inaugural address now.

If voters understand that there is something intrinsically wrong with ignoring or joining in with a gang-like pummeling of a single, honorable person by his Republican opponent, his Democratic opponent, his Pastor, Fox News, and most of the rest of the Media is so very, very wrong, the Senator can reserve a lane at the White House bowling alley now.

If American citizens realize this Nation cannot go on like this, cannot continue electing its officials as a result of manipulation by Spin Machines and Professional propagandists, Barack Obama can get fitted for his Top Hat and Tails.

The optimist in me feels this could happen. The cynic, the pessimist, the pragmatist and the historian within me don’t hold out much hope.

A Black man hasn’t had a beatdown like this since Rodney King stopped driving. And racist cops got nothing on Fox News or a once honorable Dragon Lady who now won’t allow the Will of the People to stand up to her Ego.

An argument can even be made that Ms. Clinton has known whereof she speaks. The Senator form new York may know that Barack is unelectable because of her unconscionable behavior designed to make him unelectable. This is not a stupid woman. She undestand the concept of Self-fulfilling prophecies.

Ms. Clinton, with whose policies I’ve largely been in accord, has nonetheless proven that there are few if any depths to which she will not sink in this campaign. She may not have reinvented Rovian strategery, but she’s emulated it. Senator Clinton may well stop Senator Obama from becoming the Next President of the United States and earn her Pyrrhic victory and .

Why Pyrrhic? Ms. Clinton has been so dishonest and so disingenuous that I truly wish her the worst fate I can imagine—stealing the nomination from Senator Obama. This would essentially end her political Presidential aspirations. Getting the nomination now is a task achievable only by driving away so many Democratic voters she cannot win the general election. Well, unless John McCain makes The Great Pumpkin his running mate.

As for The Reverend Jeremiah Wright. It has not been a good time for Men of the Cloth, and he isn't helping. No matter his intention--whether a delusional belief that he is doing African-Americans good by his actions, or intentionally not turning the other cheek to smite his former Parishener--the effect is singular. His is the behavior of a a man thoroughly in the grip of Megalomania. He isn't even a tragic figure--just a sadly comic one. His legacy, whether he helps Hillary haul down Obama or not--will be pathetic, a series of YouTube videos, ranging from an angry madman to a Post-Modernist Stepin Fetchit.

One can't be sure what he was going for. But what he has become is a punch line.

The Genius of Sandalous Overkill

The New York Times has a big ol’ story about how the Pentagon has been using retired military men to carry its hogwash out to the Media. The Pentagon—courtesy of Uncle Sam—trots the retirees off to Iraq, to Guantanamo, to insider briefings, and then the Generals and Admirals trot themselves over to Fox and elsewhere to share their “expertise.”

The 7500 word article gives lots of specifics, views with alarm, lists examples of media deceptions, and carries denials from military men who are shocked, shocked I say, that they are accused of such shenanigans.

This is hardly the first or only Bush scandal. Keith Olbermann runs a segment every night called “Bushed,” whereby he comments and updates three out of the current 50 (he claims) scandals gurgling up that night in the Bush administration. The list changes daily and as anyone scoring at home knows, fifty scandals is likely a serious misunderestimation of the damage Dubya has done to the country.

The Propagandized Generals Scandal has now joined the crowd of other darkening the political landscape and will in turn be superceded by the next scandal or outrage.

If there is a genius to the Bush Presidency, it is that it has mastered the art of Scandalous Overkill. Clinton and Nixon were pikers compared to this bunch. In Watergate, Nixon had a single overall scandal—which was admittedly a doozy and it got him booted out of office. Clinton had Monicagate, and it got him impeached.

Bush has more scandals than he could begin to count, even using all his digits and with his shoes and socks off. But he doesn’t get impeached, he gets a second term, a library full of Bushisms, and a Christmas fruit basket from every political satirist alive today.

Why is that? Thank you for asking. I have a theory.

The NYT article was sent to me by email and included links to the paper’s top five forwarded stories. These are the stories that have so fascinated and involved readers that they were stirred to action.

When I opened the email this morning, the Pentagon General Scandal story was number four on the list. Number four? How could that be?

Had a new scandal already erupted to supercede it? Nope.

Had the Pennsylvania Primary blanketed the list with three more vital stories? No.

Was the Surge upstaged by an upsurge in non-surge violence? Uh-uh

Okay, I give up, what was the #1 story?

The Pope likes kitties--a story about his Holiness and his affection for felines. Had the Pope announced he’d boo-booed on stem cell research and it was now okay, I’d understand. If the Pontiff said he was trading his pointy Mitre for a Sam Jackson Kangol, I’d dig it. But kitties?

Which leads to my reluctant conclusion:

The key to political survival today is to so overwhelm the Media and the Electorate with bad behavior, they tune it out. It worked for Bush, and as Hillary continues to do Republican Swiftboaters' dirty work and is rewarded for it, it shows she and Bill have learned an important lesson. Times change. A back-office Hummer just won’t git ‘er done anymore.

The Pope’s Kitties can’t save us from ourselves. The slippery slope of Decline and Fall has been regreased.

Hopalong Hillary: Packin' the Heat

The revelation that Hillary Rodham Clinton learned to hunt at the knee of her Granddaddy is not only one of her many warm and treasured memories of deadly weaponry, but overly modest by half. As many know, Senator Clinton reluctantly admitted to her early firearms training after her Democratic opponent, Barack Obama’s snarky comments about guns and the fine people who own and shoot them.

While Ms. Clinton recounted how much she delighted in turning bunnies and ducks and all God’s creatures great and small into pulverized blobs of blood, fur, and feathers, the Presidential nominee humbly neglected to acknowledge her many other contributions to the art and science of gunplay.

For instance, as a child of three, young Hillary drew up plans for what would later become the modern day Gattling gun, the machine gun used in most current US attack aircraft.

“Make the spinning barrels go round n’ round” she told then Air Force Chief of Staff Curtis LeMay, inspiring the general to adapt the weapon, first used in the Civil War, to modern day aviation. Today the seven barrel 30mm GAU-8/A Gatling gun can fire 3,900 rounds a minute and is effectively used in A-10 Warthog tank killers.

There are more NRA Hall of Fame achievements Ms. Clinton has modestly advoided admitting to until recently. For instance, Clinton still holds the Pennsylvania state record for largest bear ever bagged, a 7 foot 3 inch, 1162-pound Grizzly she brought down at age six with a single shot from her Lady Derringer. And while the animal was not shot during hunting season, the record is still considered official as Ms. Clinton plinked the varmit as it menaced a schoolyard filled with tasty third graders.

At age 20, between semesters at Wellesley College, Ms. Clinton appeared on Broadway in the title role in “Annie Get Your Gun,” winning a Tony for her performance.

At age 23, while on tour with the late singer Johnny Cash, she shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Charges were later dropped.

When her husband, Bill, failed to join the military during the Vietnam era, Ms. Clinton helped him compensate by teaching him the military ditty, “This is my rifle, this is my gun, this is for shooting, this is for fun.” (A decision she admits regretting with all her heart and soul.)

Few of these accomplishments were known publicly until Senator Obama--who has repeatedly stated that cancelling the Second Amendment is his first priority upon assuming office--made his recent gun gaffe.

In one instance, National Security prevented Ms. Clinton from not lying. She said she “had to bite my lip” during the recent confusion over her “arrival under fire” in Bosnia. Both her and former President Clinton’s “explanations” were created from whole cloth because the truth was "highly classified" until now.

The night before her “official” arrival, Ms. Clinton infiltrated the area with an Army Sniper team, and spent the ensuing 24 hours clearing the area of enemy sharpshooters. Ms. Clinton single-handedly bagged 37 enemy gunmen and gunwomen, using only 36 rounds. Highlight of the operation, Miss Clinton stated in the afteraction report, was nailing a husband and wife sniper team with a single bullet. This was the very team tasked with killing the adorable child scheduled to give Hillary the flowers.

Also, Hillary invented dum-dum bullets.

Pesky Pseudo Psychic Prize Goes to: AEI

This week's Pesky Pseudo Psychic Prize Goes to Fred Kagan of the American Enterprise Institute. On Monday, Fred, whose chins are listed in the Guinness Book of World Records, told the Iraq Planning Group's Phase IV Conference in Washington, DC:

“The first thing I want to say is that: The Civil War in Iraq is over. And until the American domestic political debate catches up with that fact, we are going to have a very hard time discussing Iraq on the basis of reality. I’d now like to invite all of you to join me for some lovely chocolate gumdrops left me by the Easter Bunny.”

Okay, I made up the part about the Easter Bunny. But in case you've been hiding under a rock, or writing policy for the Bush administration, or both, less than 24 hours after this Right Wing Think Tank Bozo’s comments, McClatchy News Service reported:

"With Iraq's top leaders directing the battle, Iraq's army and national police pressed a major operation Tuesday to wrest control of the southern port city of Basra from the Shiite Mahdi Army militia. Fighting between government forces and the militia quickly spread through Iraq's south and into Baghdad."

As of this writing, Baghdad is in lockdown, the Green Zone is under rocket attacks that have led to the death of two Americans and two of the Vice President’s guards. (No, not our Veep, their Veep).

As our winnner, Fred receives an historical, autographed photo of John McCain strolling through that Baghdad marketplace with 100 of his closest, armed-to-the-teeth, friends.

For more information on the AEI and some of their other similiarly well-researched policy studies, click here, here and here.

PESKY OPEN LETTER: What the Hell's Wrong with MSNBC?

To paraphrase the late humorist Fred Allen, you could put all I know about the Economy in a flea’s navel and still have room left over for three caraway seeds and an agent’s heart.

So I was watching Senator Obama’s speech on the Economy today with a combination of bewilderment and fascination. While what I heard made sense, I suspect what will linger long after speech was the memorable catch phrase he uttered about Sen. McCain, who he said was running for George Bush’s third term as President. As the economic mess and Mesopotamia mess vie to see who’s going to Hell faster, Obama’s effort to associate Granpa with the people responsible for both disasters makes sense.

Before his speech had even ended, McCain had issued a statement accusing Obama of the crime of Liberalism, and MSNBC, which was carrying the speech live, cut away. Why? To get back to what they do best—turn presidential politics into a Hybrid circus--half Dancing with the Stars, half Maury! (Seems they had some more dirt on Reverend Wright that just could not wait.)

What in the high holy Hell is wrong with you MSNBC? Aside from your one bright shining star—Keith Olbermann—the rest of your programming is bad and getting worse.

Dumping the Tuckster was a good idea, but replacing him with Journalist turned Karl Rove Backup dancer David Gregory? I don’t watch the new show much because every time I tune in I see tiny boxes filled with talking heads, one of whom is always Pat Buchanon. And Pat Buchanon makes my dog yak up her Alpo.

And the one thing the 24/7s don’t need are more hours devoted just to politics. (And almost exclusively presidential politics, at that. Had MSNBC dumped out of Obama for updates on the latest post Surge resurgence of violence in Iraq, I could understand. But MSNBC is so far behind the power curve in Iraq, I had to tune over to Fox News—FOX!—to get a live update from that beleaguered nation. They had some Scotsman named MacDonald reporting live. Yes, American TV is now outsourcing it’s war coverage.

Meanwhile, two Americans have been killed by recent shelling in Baghdad’s Green Zone. (as of 3 PM PDT) The U.S. Military blames Iranian-backed Shiite Militiamen. George Bush blames Congress. John McCain blames Mongol Insurgents, trained by al Qaeda in Philadelphia. The Mainstream media has bought the Administration line of hooey that the Surge has worked so it may take them a while to realize it hasn’t.

Pesky Prize # 4 Hail Britannia

Okay, maybe we aren't as dumb as we look. Turns out our little tagalong Coalition of the Willing partners may be stupider than we US Americans.

Hence, today’s Pesky Prize (#4) goes to one out of three English Kidlets. According to a survey in the Daily Telegraph taken between molar extractions, one-third of English youngsters surveyed think Sir Winston Churchill was the first man to walk on the Moon.

Idiots! Everyone knows Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the Moon. Churchill was second.

Pesky Prize # 4: Bear Barrel Polka

The St. Paddy’s Day Pesky Prize goes to “Mad Money” host Jim Cramer. As some of you know, a share of Bear Stearns stock, which was trading at more than $170 a year ago and $60 a few days ago, on Monday wasn’t worth enough to buy you a green beer at a Wall Street pub. Cramer, who brings to his show the quiet professionalism of Vince McMahon and soft-spoken demeanor of a recently debrided burn victim, answered an email from one of his viewers who can write on March 11th. The viewer wondered if “he should take his money out” of Bear Stearns.

Responded Cramer: “No No No Bear Stearns is fine. Do not take your money out….don’t move your money from Bear…that’s just silly. That would just be silly.”

Catch Jon Stewart’s take on Cramer on Monday’s The Daily Show (show #13026),. It’s about about five minutes into the first item.

YouTube has the Cramer excerpt and his response on another CNBC show.

I don’t speak Finance, and if you don’t either you’ll need a translator to understand his explanation. However, I do speak fluent Gobbledegook, and I believe he said his earlier advice was correct, everybody did fine, and/or if you take him seriously, you deserve to go broke.

Meanwhile, Stewart recommends you catch Cramer’s new program: “No Matter How Good I Am at This Over the Next 10 Years I Will Never Make Up the Amount of Money I Blew For People Last Tuesday”