U.S. Suffers from "The China Syndrome"

Try as I might I can’t place the entire blame for the Decline and Fall of the United States on the doorstep of one George W. Bush. Even when you add in his backup band, Cheney & The Henchmen, it just won’t fly. Oh sure, they deserve not only the lion’s share of the blame, but the Giraffe Chow, Bamboo Shoots for the Pandas and that carload of peanuts earmarked for Dumbo.

And credit where it’s due--no Presidency has given the collapse of this Republic the rocket-assisted kick in the Booty Bush’s has. Dude turned the Constitution, the Environment, the Iraq (such as), and the Economy into his personal Beeyotch. When Edgar Mitchell’s Extraterrestrials return to dig through the remains of American Civilization, forensic evidence will lead right to ol’ #43. (The latest? Bush’s Welcome Wagon gift to the next POTUS, a $490 Billion Fiscal 2009 Budget Deficit.)

Not absolving the Idiot-in-Chief, but there's only so much just one man can do. Credit must be shared.

History: Face it, countries always decline and fall. Ask any Greek or Roman. A Bell Curve denotes how this works. First, it rises. Then everyone gets fat, dumb, and happy. Soon they grow overly complacent, greedy, shifty, horny, dopey, sleepy and sneezy. Next a bunch of other stuff happens. Eventually, Society collapses and the process starts over again. You want details, Google your ass off. I’m just setting up my premise here.

Sex, Drugs & Rock & Roll: Rampant drugs and the sexual revolution chipped away at Values. Priests seduced Altar Boys; dogs and cats slept together, porn became ubiquitous. Rock & Roll wasn’t so bad at first, but it went south as soon as Boys2Men cut an album.

Reagan: A great big round of applause for Reaganism. It really got the ball rolling by decimating the Middle Class.

Clinton: NAFTA was Bill Clinton’s baby.

Egomania: Put your hands together for those Decline and Fall Accelerants like Ralph Nader, whose Megalomania made it possible for Bush to steal Florida. The Media traded in its journalistic chops for wealth and invites into Power Brokers Homes. Artists sold their Souls for a piece of the pie.

The Loyal Opposition: Don’t forget the ongoing inability of the Democratic Party to stop bickering long enough to select a candidate who could actually win a General Election.

There are more, but these are your primary known knowns about what went wrong with America. Feel free to add your own unknown knowns, known knowns you never knew about, and those unknown knowns no one knows. ("Madge! Get me Rummy!”)

We now formally conclude the premise-setup portion of this column. Summing up: Country is going to Hell in a Handbasket, blah blah blah. Watch carefully as this leads to my clever Catchphrase for the mess we’re in.

It hit me Sunday while watching a CBS Sunday Morning piece about how everyone and his Uncle Bob is riding a bike in America these days. People ride them to work, to the store, to Grandma’s house. Bike business is booming. Why are Americans giving up their cars and riding bikes? Because they can’t afford gasoline. Why is gasoline so expensive? Because in China, everyone and his Uncle Wong is trading their bikes for cars. It’s the old Hitchcockian “Criss-cross.”

So here’s Cork’s Decline and Fall Catchphrase. “We’ve become China!”

Oh No! Ralphie is Back

Recently the producer of a new Ralph Nader commercial proudly noted that he'd finally done a spot for a Presidential candidate. This is my open letter to him.

Dear Alex:

I know we all have to make a living, but allow me some commentary about the person you are helping promote. There once was a time I had nothing but admiration for him. There once was a time when I thought he Mattered. There once was a time when I thought he was part of the Answer for much of what was wrong with America. But no more. And it pains to say that.

So I hope you understand why I believe you are helping to enable a once-revered, now pathetic Megalomaniacal to continue to hasten the country along the road to ruin.

Because of Ralph Nader’s unfettered Ego, George W. Bush is President of the United States. Any expert without a bias will tell you that without Nader siphoning off Democratic votes in Florida in 2000, Bush would not have been close enough to steal the election there from Gore.

Think about that the next time you are paying $4.71 (my neighborhood Shell this morning) for gas. Think about it when you meet someone whose kid or father or aunt died in Iraq, or whose family was destroyed when the spouse left after the third deployment. Think about it the next time a Katrina hits and an idiot President flies overhead looking down in a photo op as he returns from a political fundraiser. Think about it when the US can't react to a genuine world crisis because our military equipment has been eaten up in the sands of Iraq. Think about it the next time Afghanistan takes a Taliban hit--like today's--because the President went after Saddam and not bin Laden.

Think about it as Social Security runs out, as Exxon laughs at the country when they announce their obscene profits, when the Far Right gets another Supreme on the court and does away with Habeas Corpus for good.

You can't blame the entire presidency of George Bush on Nader, of course, but he is a major, perhaps THE major reason why Bush got to be President. And Nader did it, pure and simple, out of his own neediness. He could have had his moment in the Sun, taken his bows, then bowed out and thrown his support to the man who should have been helping the planet from a position of power, not just winning awards for his Ecological Slide Show. Without Ralph Nader, America wouldn't be sucking hind teat on Global Warming and Alternative Energy development.

Then, in 2004, when we all knew better, when anyone with a brain understood the damage Bush was capable of continuing to inflict, Nader came back again for another stint in the Spotlight. The topper was when Bill Maher literally got on his knees and begged Nader to get out of the campaign before he did more damage. Nader smugly sat there on Maher's show, basking in the attention, and said “no,” he was just too important.

In 2008, Nader is at it again. And again he will take more votes away from Democrats than from Republicans. How many votes may be determined by how much free publicity he gets from an inept Media, and how naive some voters still are. If McCain squeezes in by, say, winning Florida, Nader will have another skin on his belt. At the very least, Alex, please offer your artistic services to Ron Paul, who will siphon from the Right.

Another small complaint. Despite his high-falootin’ self-image, Nader's "commercial," is as trivial as flag pins or pledges of allegiance or middle names are to the real needs of the country. NBA cheating, while important to sports fans and morality fetishists, is right down there with the other non-issues being overblown in the current campaign. Why the NBA, Ralph? Because it's in the news. Because it's a means for Ralph to grab back the spotlight. The Media can't send me into the oblivion I deserve, says Ralph's Ego..

So there's another disappointment for those of us who once honored and praised Ralph Nader. Turns out Ralph is as cynical and pragmatic and needy as any of the real candidates. Turns out Ralph craves his Fame Jones like any other addict needs a drug fix.

The personal tragedy for Nader is that he has seen his genuine legacy of achievement set aside as he has become a punch line, a laughingstock and a bitter sidenote to the cesspool that is American politics today.

Eight years of George Bush would make a Relativist out of most Idealists. Like it or not, Politics is not about absolutes, but compromises. So those of us in the Real World can't afford NaderThink. Hence, I don't give a rat’s ass if Obama and McCain took medical money, as Nader so proudly huffs.

A vote for Nader is worse than a wasted vote. First of all, Nader is no more Our Next President than Mike Gravel, Mr. Whipple, or Little Mary Sunshine are. Second, even if Nader could win, Senator Obama, on his worse day, would be ten times the President sad sack Ralph might ever hope to be. Hell, I even think Senator McCain would be better, and the thought of McCain in the White House terrifies me.

So, if you must do Nader commercials, Alex, consider this suggestion. Convince him to run for something he won’t ruin the country doing. Run him for NBA Commissioner.

Sincerely,

Pesky

Pesky Open Letter to The Clintons

Dear Mr. Former President Clinton:

Stop it. Just stop it.

You’re turning into Ralph Nader and I don’t like it. Not one damn bit. I can’t afford to have another Political Hero self-flushed down the porcelain conveyance. Yeah, I know. “Political Hero”is as close to being an Oxymoron as one can get these days…

But Mr. President, you’re the guy we pointed to when people said, okay who would be better than Bush? You’re the guy who managed the deficit, whose administration takes the wind out of the sails of the current crew when they trickle down all over themselves.

You ran such an efficient and reasonable Presidency, the only real argument they have against you is the fact you couldn’t keep your Johnson properly housed. I’ll take an Oval Office Hummer over an Endless War eight days a week and twice on Monica. To paraphrase Lincoln’s line about General Grant and booze, send a squad of interns out to service other politicians. Or give the job to Eliot Spitzer. He’s available.

You weren’t a perfect President. You did embarrass the office with the Monica thing, and NAFTA was something more in tune with Republican thinking. But as presidents go last century, you done good. Leave us our memories. We know you feel obliged to get the Missus elected, but this isn’t the way.

You’re whip smart, Mr. President, but you already know that. Obviously, you’re ten times smarter than the guy who said he wanted to put food on his family. But your smarts are a double-edge sword. We don’t buy it when you say you misspoke or forgot to mention Obama is a patriot, or claim your wife’s dirty campaign is really good for the Dems because it toughens up Obama.

You know and I know what Hillary and you and your hired guns have been doing lately has the stink of desperation on it. And it only benefits John McCain. While you and your lady have sniped at a fellow Dem, McCain has run with the opportunity to rise above the pettiness and—dare I say it—look Presidential.

Maureen Dowd and others say you and Hill are intentionally sinking the Dems chances so McCain can serve out Bush’s third term, and Hillary can run again in 2012. If so, it makes the Republican Swiftboating of Senator Kerry in 2004 look like a Swan Boat ride in the Public Garden by comparison. It’s like torpedoing your own fleet before a battle, in hopes of rebuilding it for the next one.

Keep it up and you and Hillary will guarantee at least four more years of Republican rule. That would mean four more years of Americans dying in Iraq (and perhaps Iran), four more years of a ruinous economic plan, and scarier yet, two or more Republican Supreme Court justices.

And yes, I know Senator Obama and his people aren’t pure as the driven snow either. But most people perceive his behaviors as a response to your escalating personal attacks, not a response, not an opening shot. Dirty politics.

You’ve served your country for most of your professional life. It needs you more than ever. Instead of assuring more Republican misery, we need the Clintons to join with the one person who can beat John McCain.

Spitzer? I hardly Knew Her!

No sane man as (book) smart as Spitzer would have done what he did without having serious psychological issues--IMO. Doesn't excuse it. Dude apparently needed counselling or Bobbitizing.

I’m no shrink, but I’d suggest putting him on “Suicide Watch.” It is a shame that he was so flawed as a human, considering the good he did as a prosecutor of corporate evildoers. I guess we as a nation are very fortunate that Ralph Nader was born without a penis.

For what its' worth, the Pope just added an eighth sin to his New Sin List: "Overpaying for Hookers."

We're here all week. Try the veal.