U.S. Suffers from "The China Syndrome"

Try as I might I can’t place the entire blame for the Decline and Fall of the United States on the doorstep of one George W. Bush. Even when you add in his backup band, Cheney & The Henchmen, it just won’t fly. Oh sure, they deserve not only the lion’s share of the blame, but the Giraffe Chow, Bamboo Shoots for the Pandas and that carload of peanuts earmarked for Dumbo.

And credit where it’s due--no Presidency has given the collapse of this Republic the rocket-assisted kick in the Booty Bush’s has. Dude turned the Constitution, the Environment, the Iraq (such as), and the Economy into his personal Beeyotch. When Edgar Mitchell’s Extraterrestrials return to dig through the remains of American Civilization, forensic evidence will lead right to ol’ #43. (The latest? Bush’s Welcome Wagon gift to the next POTUS, a $490 Billion Fiscal 2009 Budget Deficit.)

Not absolving the Idiot-in-Chief, but there's only so much just one man can do. Credit must be shared.

History: Face it, countries always decline and fall. Ask any Greek or Roman. A Bell Curve denotes how this works. First, it rises. Then everyone gets fat, dumb, and happy. Soon they grow overly complacent, greedy, shifty, horny, dopey, sleepy and sneezy. Next a bunch of other stuff happens. Eventually, Society collapses and the process starts over again. You want details, Google your ass off. I’m just setting up my premise here.

Sex, Drugs & Rock & Roll: Rampant drugs and the sexual revolution chipped away at Values. Priests seduced Altar Boys; dogs and cats slept together, porn became ubiquitous. Rock & Roll wasn’t so bad at first, but it went south as soon as Boys2Men cut an album.

Reagan: A great big round of applause for Reaganism. It really got the ball rolling by decimating the Middle Class.

Clinton: NAFTA was Bill Clinton’s baby.

Egomania: Put your hands together for those Decline and Fall Accelerants like Ralph Nader, whose Megalomania made it possible for Bush to steal Florida. The Media traded in its journalistic chops for wealth and invites into Power Brokers Homes. Artists sold their Souls for a piece of the pie.

The Loyal Opposition: Don’t forget the ongoing inability of the Democratic Party to stop bickering long enough to select a candidate who could actually win a General Election.

There are more, but these are your primary known knowns about what went wrong with America. Feel free to add your own unknown knowns, known knowns you never knew about, and those unknown knowns no one knows. ("Madge! Get me Rummy!”)

We now formally conclude the premise-setup portion of this column. Summing up: Country is going to Hell in a Handbasket, blah blah blah. Watch carefully as this leads to my clever Catchphrase for the mess we’re in.

It hit me Sunday while watching a CBS Sunday Morning piece about how everyone and his Uncle Bob is riding a bike in America these days. People ride them to work, to the store, to Grandma’s house. Bike business is booming. Why are Americans giving up their cars and riding bikes? Because they can’t afford gasoline. Why is gasoline so expensive? Because in China, everyone and his Uncle Wong is trading their bikes for cars. It’s the old Hitchcockian “Criss-cross.”

So here’s Cork’s Decline and Fall Catchphrase. “We’ve become China!”

Oh No! Ralphie is Back

Recently the producer of a new Ralph Nader commercial proudly noted that he'd finally done a spot for a Presidential candidate. This is my open letter to him.

Dear Alex:

I know we all have to make a living, but allow me some commentary about the person you are helping promote. There once was a time I had nothing but admiration for him. There once was a time when I thought he Mattered. There once was a time when I thought he was part of the Answer for much of what was wrong with America. But no more. And it pains to say that.

So I hope you understand why I believe you are helping to enable a once-revered, now pathetic Megalomaniacal to continue to hasten the country along the road to ruin.

Because of Ralph Nader’s unfettered Ego, George W. Bush is President of the United States. Any expert without a bias will tell you that without Nader siphoning off Democratic votes in Florida in 2000, Bush would not have been close enough to steal the election there from Gore.

Think about that the next time you are paying $4.71 (my neighborhood Shell this morning) for gas. Think about it when you meet someone whose kid or father or aunt died in Iraq, or whose family was destroyed when the spouse left after the third deployment. Think about it the next time a Katrina hits and an idiot President flies overhead looking down in a photo op as he returns from a political fundraiser. Think about it when the US can't react to a genuine world crisis because our military equipment has been eaten up in the sands of Iraq. Think about it the next time Afghanistan takes a Taliban hit--like today's--because the President went after Saddam and not bin Laden.

Think about it as Social Security runs out, as Exxon laughs at the country when they announce their obscene profits, when the Far Right gets another Supreme on the court and does away with Habeas Corpus for good.

You can't blame the entire presidency of George Bush on Nader, of course, but he is a major, perhaps THE major reason why Bush got to be President. And Nader did it, pure and simple, out of his own neediness. He could have had his moment in the Sun, taken his bows, then bowed out and thrown his support to the man who should have been helping the planet from a position of power, not just winning awards for his Ecological Slide Show. Without Ralph Nader, America wouldn't be sucking hind teat on Global Warming and Alternative Energy development.

Then, in 2004, when we all knew better, when anyone with a brain understood the damage Bush was capable of continuing to inflict, Nader came back again for another stint in the Spotlight. The topper was when Bill Maher literally got on his knees and begged Nader to get out of the campaign before he did more damage. Nader smugly sat there on Maher's show, basking in the attention, and said “no,” he was just too important.

In 2008, Nader is at it again. And again he will take more votes away from Democrats than from Republicans. How many votes may be determined by how much free publicity he gets from an inept Media, and how naive some voters still are. If McCain squeezes in by, say, winning Florida, Nader will have another skin on his belt. At the very least, Alex, please offer your artistic services to Ron Paul, who will siphon from the Right.

Another small complaint. Despite his high-falootin’ self-image, Nader's "commercial," is as trivial as flag pins or pledges of allegiance or middle names are to the real needs of the country. NBA cheating, while important to sports fans and morality fetishists, is right down there with the other non-issues being overblown in the current campaign. Why the NBA, Ralph? Because it's in the news. Because it's a means for Ralph to grab back the spotlight. The Media can't send me into the oblivion I deserve, says Ralph's Ego..

So there's another disappointment for those of us who once honored and praised Ralph Nader. Turns out Ralph is as cynical and pragmatic and needy as any of the real candidates. Turns out Ralph craves his Fame Jones like any other addict needs a drug fix.

The personal tragedy for Nader is that he has seen his genuine legacy of achievement set aside as he has become a punch line, a laughingstock and a bitter sidenote to the cesspool that is American politics today.

Eight years of George Bush would make a Relativist out of most Idealists. Like it or not, Politics is not about absolutes, but compromises. So those of us in the Real World can't afford NaderThink. Hence, I don't give a rat’s ass if Obama and McCain took medical money, as Nader so proudly huffs.

A vote for Nader is worse than a wasted vote. First of all, Nader is no more Our Next President than Mike Gravel, Mr. Whipple, or Little Mary Sunshine are. Second, even if Nader could win, Senator Obama, on his worse day, would be ten times the President sad sack Ralph might ever hope to be. Hell, I even think Senator McCain would be better, and the thought of McCain in the White House terrifies me.

So, if you must do Nader commercials, Alex, consider this suggestion. Convince him to run for something he won’t ruin the country doing. Run him for NBA Commissioner.

Sincerely,

Pesky

Numbed Down as Well as Dumbed Down?

Is irony dead?

Or did I just imagine George W. Bush lectured the Myanmar Junta how to properly run their disaster?

Sure, those Myanmaniacs have gotten some 50,000-100,000 citizens killed with the help of a Typhoon--and Bush’s work in New Orleans pales in comparison--but doesn’t anyone get the essential absurdity of it all?

What does Bush want from Myanmar, a country he calls Burma in that cute way he still calls the Democratic Party the "Democrat Party"? Does he want Flyover rights? Does he Jones for a new photo op of him gazing longingly down from 35,000 feet over a tragedy he couldn’t be bothered to drop in on?

Or is Dubya hoping for a Burmese ice license, the better to load up and ship hundreds of tons of frozen water where it isn’t needed while ignoring where it is needed? (For this tragedy, may we suggest sending the ice to Iceland?)

Could Bush be looking for a new parking lot for the tens of thousands of trailers which never reached the people they were intended for?

Or maybe Bush just wants to don his Mr. Snugglecrotch flight suit again, land on a carrier and declare another Mission Accomplished?

And while the body count in Myanmar and N.O. don’t match up, let us not misunderestimate Bush’s Skilz as a Master of Disaster. Throw in the grotesquerie that is Iraq and Bush's body count rises significantly. Tote up dead Americans in Iraq and New Orleans plus dead Iraqis and it will likely sweep past the Burma Shave body count.

Yeah, I get it. The dudes running Myanmar are worse people than Bush, Cheney and Rummy combined. Certainly we can all agree Americans are generous to a fault when it comes to responding to international disasters. But if Dubya appointed “Heckuva Job” Brownie to run the show, would that shock us? Or are we Americans numbed down as well as dumbed down?

And another thing: What’s with Bush sending the Missus out as his Point Man? You don’t suppose he saw how Clinton put his Little Woman onstage to try to continue his dynasty and so Bush thought...Oh, dear God, NOOOOOOOOOO!

The Genius of George Bush, Economist

Wonder why the economy is in the state it is? Take a stroll down memory lane and read some of the statements The Decider in Chief has made about things financial and economic since taking office.

(All statements were actually made by George W. Bush, America’s most consistently self satirizing president. The comments in bold are from Pesky)

The clear thought processes of George W. Bush…

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."--Reuters, May 5, 2000

He is what he am…

"I understand small business growth. I was one."—New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

Is that a cheesehead you’re wearing, or…

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."—Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

A few kind words about the poor…

"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."-Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003

WMD at the OMB…

"The law I sign today directs new funds and new focus to the task of collecting vital intelligence on terrorist threats and on weapons of mass production."-Washington, D.C., Nov. 27, 2002

Just give me 4000 years…

"And so, in my State of the-my State of the Union-or state-my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation-I asked Americans to give 4,000 years-4,000 hours over the next-the rest of your life-of service to America. That's what I asked-4,000 hours." -Bridgeport, Conn., April 9, 2002

The New Math will save us…

"We've tripled the amount of money-I believe it's from $50 million up to $195 million available."-Lima, Peru, March 23, 2002

It’s Foreigner’s fault, especially that Lou Gramm guy…

"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas."—Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000

My antidotal evidence proves I’m right

"A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness."—Sept. 18, 2000

You are what you grasp…

"I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."-Washington, D.C., May 29, 2003

Our overreaching underachiever…

"If you don't have any ambitions, the minimum-wage job isn't going to get you to where you want to get, for example. In other words, what is your ambitions? And oh, by the way, if that is your ambition, here's what it's going to take to achieve it."-Speech to students in Little Rock, Ark., Aug. 29, 2002

He’s our President, we’re paying for it…

"It's your money. You paid for it."—LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

Pesky Pseudo Psychic Prize Goes to: AEI

This week's Pesky Pseudo Psychic Prize Goes to Fred Kagan of the American Enterprise Institute. On Monday, Fred, whose chins are listed in the Guinness Book of World Records, told the Iraq Planning Group's Phase IV Conference in Washington, DC:

“The first thing I want to say is that: The Civil War in Iraq is over. And until the American domestic political debate catches up with that fact, we are going to have a very hard time discussing Iraq on the basis of reality. I’d now like to invite all of you to join me for some lovely chocolate gumdrops left me by the Easter Bunny.”

Okay, I made up the part about the Easter Bunny. But in case you've been hiding under a rock, or writing policy for the Bush administration, or both, less than 24 hours after this Right Wing Think Tank Bozo’s comments, McClatchy News Service reported:

"With Iraq's top leaders directing the battle, Iraq's army and national police pressed a major operation Tuesday to wrest control of the southern port city of Basra from the Shiite Mahdi Army militia. Fighting between government forces and the militia quickly spread through Iraq's south and into Baghdad."

As of this writing, Baghdad is in lockdown, the Green Zone is under rocket attacks that have led to the death of two Americans and two of the Vice President’s guards. (No, not our Veep, their Veep).

As our winnner, Fred receives an historical, autographed photo of John McCain strolling through that Baghdad marketplace with 100 of his closest, armed-to-the-teeth, friends.

For more information on the AEI and some of their other similiarly well-researched policy studies, click here, here and here.

The Dems Are Back! (Sexwisedly-speaking)

Congratulations to the Democratic Party, which, after a decade-long period spent watching GOP sexual trailblazing, has just roared back to the top of the squirming, moaning, heavy-breathing, political sex-scandal slag heap Monday behind comeback kid, Eliot Spitzer.

The last time the Dems had a firm handle on sexual shenanigan leadership was when Monica Lewinski had a firm handle on Bill Clinton. Since then, it’s been all GOP all the time, spearheaded by the arrayed manhoods of Sens. Larry “Wide Stance” Craig, David “D.C. Madam” Vitter and Cong. Mark “Page from My Book” Foley.

Politician scandals have been supplemented by the woes of Right Wing pundits like Bill “Grab My Faloofah” O’Reilly, as well as those of Conservative Evangelical Preachers. The Dems have had no answer for the likes of Rev. Ted Haggard, who told his National Evangelical Assoc. to get flocked when he admitted he was “guilty of sexual immorality.”

Or Archbishop Earl Paulk, 80 years young, head of Georgia’s Cathedral of the Holy Spirit, who apparently was the real Daddy his brother’s kid. Obviously Lazarus was not the only dead thing that rose again.

The website "recovering Liberal.com" has a list of 55 or more alleged Tighty-Righty sexual offenders in its "GOP Pervert Hall of Shame," accuracy of which I cannot confirm.

In other news Monday, the Pope has just identified seven new “social" sins. The announcement was buried in coverage of the Spitzergate Scandal, but three of the newcomers—“polluting the environment,” "excessive wealth,” and “creating poverty”---drew the attention of the White House. Late Monday, President Bush announced he would veto all three sins.

Why the Long Face, Oscar?

Why the long face, Oscar?

Seven years of Bush will depress anyone, and Hollywood is a grim place these days. Also, the film industry is under the misimpression that comedy is easy; drama is hard. Proof is the breakdown of nominees. One comedy, four looks at the grim side. Most of the actors, on the other hand, were broken down by sex. (That’s an old joke, but consider who’s repeating it.)

• You want to win an Academy Award? Stay in school and learn a foreign language. Or drop out and become a stripper.

• Best summary of the night’s nominees. “Thank God for teenage pregnancy,” said Jon Stewart, noting that “Juno” was the cheeriest movie of the best picture nominees.

• I covered the Academy Awards for many years. What I missed most about not covering the Oscars for TV. Not a damn thing.
  

• Lowlight #1. Nancy Kerrigan, sponsored by L’Oreal or some such was available live. My producer said “I don’t want her, she’ll just hype L’Oreal.” “Don’t worry, I can handle her,” I said. First words out of her mouth? “L’Oreal.” If I had a lead pipe, I’d have kneecapped her on the spot.

• Lowlight# 2: Watching the fire Marshall threaten to arrest me and my producer if we didn’t move our camera “NOW!” Watching producer pull out auxiliary policeman badge from wallet and try to buy time. It worked.

• Terrifying Moment Averted: I was in mid live shot when a large, looming, tuxedoed figure hoved into view, shoved at me by the same producer. Later I realized in terror--what if I hadn’t recognized Gregory Peck?

• Most Surreal Moment. Seeing Edy Williams, wearing a completely transparent dress and holding a small dog, being kept out of the Oscar auditorium. Oh no, not because of the dress—no animals allowed.

• It Could Happen to You, Award: Seeing legendary Variety host Army Archerd, who introduced celebs to crowd on a loudspeaker, asking an actress he’d just interviewed. “And will you tell us who this is here with you?” The man leaned forward and said into the mike. “I’m Steven Spielberg.”

• Favorite leveling moment at the Oscars: Watching dreaded “Limo Gridlock” as everyone raced out of the Governor’s Ball to attend other parties. It was fun watching people holding a statuette in hand, staring at their claim check and not knowing where the hell their limo went.

• Thanks a lot, Gil. Oscar ratings sucked. While Jon Stewart was terrific as host, it does him little good to be associated with a show low rated because no one outside the auditorium saw the nominated movies.

• Biggest shoo-in: Daniel Day-Lewis. Seriously, it wasn’t even close.

• Best acceptance speech. Ms. Swinton.

• Worst Acceptance speech: The short Coen Brother.

• His act is getting old. Jack Nicholson.

• The author did the heavy lifting award: To Cormac McCarthy, who wrote “No Country for Old Men,” an extraordinary novel, and who sat in the audience while those who “adapted” it for the screen got the credit and the hardware.

• Thing they used to do, but don’t do anymore--and should. Talent competition. I used to always root for the snappy spoon player and…oh wait, that’s the Miss America contest.